The ‘Berry’ Pregnancy Diaries – week 5

Sunday 23rd June – 5w
Revealed to the world via little man. So many congratulations! I’m still obviously nervous & scared, but those feelings are getting easier to deal with. I have a few bump buddies too, some bloggers, some online forum buddies, and some real life friends. 

Monday 24th June – 5w 1d
Had another weird pregnancy dream last night. To cut a long dream short, we had parrots who lived in our wardrobe and ate all my clothes. Yeah. They get weirder…

Tuesday 25th June – 5w 2d
I swear I’m doing this pregnancy backwards this time! The nesting urge seems to have come mega early, I can’t stop tidying and cleaning. I never even got the urge with little man! 

Wednesday 26th June – 5w 3d
Made my booking appointment. It’s on the 18th July, so not that far away really. I’m quite nervous as it was only a couple of weeks after the last one when our nightmare began. I also had a mini breakdown today with lots of tears. I think it’s mainly the fact I’m scared, emotional, tired, and cutting my anti-depressants down so I’m overcome with all sorts of emotions. Including feeling a little ‘left out’ in the blogging world and debating not even going to BritMums Live next year even though I’ve already bought my ticket, as I don’t see the point. Hoping a good sleep will help me feel better tomorrow. 

Thursday 27th June – 5w 4d
Feeling a little better today, a good sleep did help. Little man stayed over with the inlaws last night too, so having a bit of a chill day today. Well, mainly at the laptop sorting blogging things out but going to do a little housework too. 

Friday 28th June – 5w 5d
Today has been a bit of a chilled day. It should have been our little angel’s due date today, so we had a little picnic and lit a candle. I didn’t think I would be pregnant again by now so it’s been kind of bittersweet. 

The ‘Berry’ Pregnancy Diaries

By now you will probably have seen ‘the announcement’ – if not, you can find it here

So first things first, how far along am I? Only around 5 weeks.

Why have I revealed it so early? Because as we know, telling people early or not does not effect the outcome of pregnancy. And, if the worst was to happen again, the support received is paramount to coping, and I know I can receive a lot of support from my friends and online community. 

Going back to the beginning. After our miscarriage, although our pregnancy was unexpected, we both decided that we really wanted it to happen again; not to replace bean as such but we felt something was now missing. So after my first post miscarriage cycle we started TTC. As we had caught bean as a surprise the first time, I stupidly (especially after everything we had been through to get little man) expected it to happen first time again. It didn’t. And it didn’t. And then it didn’t. And then, well, it did. I must have ovulated very late, so we were very lucky, and I sure know that. 

I actually got my (very faint) BFP on day 45 of my cycle which was last Sunday. So hubby had an amazing Father’s Day present! I had a feeling I might be pregnant as I was so tired and kept waking up with awful headaches, which seems to be the norm for me. At the moment I am very lucky yet again that I haven’t had any morning sickness so far, just slight nausea. We also decided to call our little miracle ‘berry’. 

How am I feeling? I am ecstatic, over the moon, but at the same time, terrified, nervous; every time I go to the loo I am so paranoid. I’m trying not to get too excited just yet as I have weeks to go before that significant date from my last pregnancy, so I can’t relax about it either, but I’m trying to take it easy. I discussed with my GP about my AD’s and we decided that I didn’t want to risk anything, so I am cutting them down over the next two weeks in order to cut them out completely. Though if I ever feel like I need to, to go back to her. 

And the weird pregnancy dreams have started already. On Monday I had a dream that I went to the chip shop and asked for sausage & chips, but instead I was given a full chocolate cream cake on a paper plate, stuck down with a strip of sellotape over it just in case I had an accident and it fell off…

Look out for my weekly updates!

Diary of a (short) 2nd pregnancy – weeks 4 to 10

I started writing this when I got my BFP, with the intent to publish it after 12 weeks when we had had our scan. Obviously we didn’t get that far, but I would like to publish it anyway. *Contains very sensitive content, and TMI at points so only read on if you wish. 

Thursday October 18 (5w 2d 3w 6d) 

Since we had J my cycles have gone pretty ‘normal’ and I started ovulating, so I kind of know where I’m at. By today though my AF was a couple of days late, going by average cycle lengths since J. We had got a bit carried away in the bedroom a couple of weeks before, it was the first time I was comfortable enough to manage to fully DTD since J, so yeah… Although by this time it had passed when I usually had EWCM and didn’t think there would be any more now (which there wasn’t), so didn’t think anything of it at the time, just that I had maybe somehow skipped OV this month. But of course, there was also a slight chance that I could be pregnant… So I decided to test. I think I was more nervous this time than with little man as I knew there was a chance, whereas with J I didn’t think there was. So there was me, sat in the toilet waiting for the control line to come up. A couple of minutes passed and no other line, but as you know it is recommended to wait 3 minutes. Slowly, the test line started appearing. My heart skipped a beat and I started shaking. Shock. Fear. Worry. Happy. So many mixed emotions. I shouted hubby and showed him. Then had to send a photo to my friend to confirm again! Yep, pregnant. I worked out my due date going by my LMP, to be around 18th June 2013. I’m going to be a Mummy of 2 under 18 months. Yikes. 

Thursday October 25 (6w 2d 4w 6d) 
I went to the doctors to get the ball rolling. I purposely made an appointment with the same GP who got my referral to the fertility clinic as I knew she would be over the moon, and I wanted to show J off and say thank you! She smiled as soon as I walked in the door, and said congratulations (x2!) and that J was gorgeous. I already knew that though of course! Then she took my details – date of last period etc., and worked out my due date to be the day before I did. But we will see when we get our scan! She took my BP, and J decided he was going to pull the velcro on the band on my arm, little monkey! She also gave my a flu jab whilst I was there as I would have to have one anyway, and J also decided to try and help with that, eek! He didn’t get near the needle though, thank goodness! I picked up the midwives phone number from reception to make an appointment for booking in, so I’ve rang and left my details and should think an appointment will be with me in the post soon. 

Friday October 26 (6w 3d 5w) 
I’ve come down with an awful sore throat, cold & cough, whether that has anything to do with my flu jab, I don’t know. But I can barely take anything, can I?! Hope it disappears soon as I have a little monkey to look after as well as contend with early pregnancy and this! But I’m super mummy (sometimes), I’m sure I’ll cope! 

Tuesday October 30 (7w 5w 4d) 

Finally after ringing and ringing and leaving a message, them ringing me but I was busy so they left a message, and me ringing and ringing back, I got hold of someone to make my booking appointment! It’s for 2 weeks today when I should be 9 weeks. Finally, something to count down to! 

Friday November 2 (7w 3d 6w) 
Had my first odd pregnancy dream today, which I’ll be filling you in on all of them again! In our bedroom we have a cabinet diagonally opposite our bed – well I dreamed that J was on our bed, had climbed down from the bed and was trying to climb up the cabinet. He got nearly to the top but fell backwards, but he managed to land on the bed! And then he climbed down from the bed, and crawled from the foot of the bed around the side, and climbed up on to the bed to see his Mummy, aww! He was his current age in the dream (7.5 months) and he’s not crawling yet, though I was expecting to wake up and for him to be doing it!  

Sunday November 11 (8w 5d 7w 2d)

Was the first worried moment of this pregnancy yesterday, I went to the loo and when I wiped there was pink tinged blood on the tissue. Cue panic and thoughts of the worst happening. After this I’m sure I felt cramps but they weren’t strong so I must have just imagined it. I’ve had nothing since so hopefully all is OK and it was just a bit of old blood. I had bleeding in my last pregnancy so will mention this to the midwife on Tuesday at my booking appointment. These babies like to test us before they even arrive, don’t they?! 

Tuesday November 13 (9w 7w 4d) 

So I had my booking appointment today. Went through the usual stuff – medical history, bloods, wee sample etc. Told them about my PND and anxiety which they wrote down in there. I had my height & weight done which worked my BMI out at 34, which is 4 more than when I went for booking in with J! Oh dear. Ashamed of myself. It also means I have to have another GTT (I hated the last one), but it’s all for the safety of me & baby so I obviously can’t complain. Got my lovely new green folder! And another Bounty pack. My next (15 week) appointment with the midwives is a few days after Christmas. I will be 15 weeks, 6 weeks today, but guess what – that’s Christmas Day, so they said “No, can’t do it that day”, which made me giggle! Now we’ve just got to wait for a scan date, and then we can tell everyone and you can finally all read this!

Friday November 16 (8w)

So after the weekend spotting, I have been bleeding on & off since Wednesday night. I rang the GP yesterday morning and he told me to go to A&E for a possible examination and a scan. It wasn’t very busy when we arrived (only one other person there) but we ended up waiting 2.5 hours to be seen. Not good with a grumpy tired baby! Anyway, the doctor said as I had only been spotting really and had no pain or clots, then he would get me booked in at the EPU for an early scan. So I went for that this afternoon. I was so nervous in case there was no heartbeat. I’d drank my 2 pints of water an hour before and I was absolutely desperate for the loo, I never remember it being that bad before! I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I had to go and let some out and as I did I heard my name being called, and thought oops! Anyway, I was seen by someone who took my history, what had been happening etc., and then I had to wait for my scan, by which time I was again bursting for the loo. Finally got called for the scan, it was a trainee who carried it out but there was someone else in attendance. As soon as I laid down on the bed I felt like I was going to wee myself any minute, so was dreading her using the doppler! So she started, she found magic little bean practically straight away, I was looking for a heartbeat. It was there! Such relief. Then she measured bean, I’m actually measuring at 8 weeks rather than the 9w 3d we thought originally. I had guessed I might be a week or so behind though as I was thinking about my dates the other day and I know exactly when we conceived and it didn’t work out right, as I OV late in my cycle as I don’t have a ‘normal’ 28 day cycle. Anyway, all was OK and it has been classed as another ‘threatened miscarriage’ like it was with J. Our 12 week scan is 4 weeks today when we get to see our little magic bean again. 

Sunday November 25 (9w 2d)

I meant to write last week as I had another couple of pregnancy dreams, but I just kept forgetting and now I can’t remember what the first one was. The second one I remember vaguely though, as I dreamed we had another boy! 

Sunday December 2 (10w 2d)

We had another A&E visit last night. I started bleeding bright red on Friday night, along with clots this time too. It started off just when I wiped, and then it started being on a pad too. The clots to start with were the size of a pen nib and then some got bigger, probably 1/2 cm long. I thought it may die off like before but they continued yesterday too, so thought we would go up there. We were waiting an hour and a bit before we saw the nurse, and she said she would try and get me in with the GP rather than the A&E side as it would be quicker. So we waited another half an hour or so and then we saw him. Basically told him what had been going on and the spotting since last time, and he booked me in at the EPU again tomorrow at 1.15 pm for a scan. So we will see what happens then. I still haven’t had any pain really, just a bit of what feels like ‘hunger’ belly ache which makes sense as I don’t really feel like eating at the minute. I’m still dreading it though in case of the worst, I’m not even going to look at the screen until they tell me whether there’s a heartbeat or not… If everything is OK then I’m guessing it’s cervical erosion and I’m going to ask about a cervical stitch, as surely I shouldn’t be getting clots if I’m not miscarrying?…

Monday December 3 (10w 3d)

I woke up at 2 am with a huge gush of blood so I immediately jumped out and rushed to the loo. Luckily I had a pad on what with bleeding over the weekend. The pad had pretty much soaked through, and then when I had been to the loo I saw a bigger clot in there. I was really panicking by now as I just knew what was probably happening. I tried to stay calm though and I went back to bed as I had to get hubby up for work at 4 am, but I didn’t really need my alarm as I woke up with another gush of blood. This time when I went to the loo I felt a huge clot and the tears really started as I knew for sure this time. I must have have been sat on the loo for the next two hours just sobbing my heart out, losing blood and clots. Around 6 am it had calmed down a bit and I went to lie down in bed but had to keep going backwards & forwards to the loo for the next half an hour or so. Eventually I managed to drop off in bed until J woke up about 8 am. MiL was coming anyway to look after him while we went to the hospital (hubby was able to leave work early). As soon as she arrived I just burst into tears and she gave me a huge hug. Skip to the hospital and the usual of a full bladder, seeing the nurse first (there was a student nurse in there too who took all my details), and then we were called for the scan. Only this time I knew it was going to show nothing so I did as I said and didn’t look at the screen, and just held hubby’s hand SO tightly. The sonographer said “Sorry, I’m not seeing anything”, to which I replied “I knew you were going to say that”, and then burst into tears. She showed us to the quiet room and I just sat there sobbing, and my poor hubby, he just held me and cried too. There it is, confirmation this pregnancy is over. Heartbroken. 

R.I.P. our special little angel bean xx

*(Weeks along edited after early scan)

39 weeks

I made it to 39 weeks. 

To be honest, I thought I would, as I was only 1/5 engaged at my 38 week appointment (I was a little confused to be honest, as both the midwife and student said 4/5 engaged when they were having a feel, but in my notes it said 4/5p.!). Anyway, I was still 1/5 engaged on Wednesday when I went to the hospital, but that was only 2 days apart so not too bothered about that. I wish I personally knew a midwife so I could know if he was any more engaged! Though it’s probably best that I don’t, as if he wasn’t then I think I would literally cry a waterfall with my frustration at the minute… Well, if he hasn’t arrived by Sunday then we will find out, as it’s his due date and we have our 40 week appointment.

I haven’t been having many odd dreams recently, but a few nights ago I dreamed that little man was literally sticking his hands & feet out of my belly, which was quite weird! I was hoping it was a sign too, but obviously not…

From my last post, I’m sure you know I’m feeling slightly fed up, but on the bright side, I suppose it’s only 2.5 (ish) weeks at the most until we’ll get to meet him! Positive thinking… (Yeah right!)

33 weeks

Sorry I’ve been a bit AWOL since Wednesday, didn’t realise it was that long! So anyway, I was 33 weeks pregnant on Sunday, that’s just another 7 weeks to go…

We are practically all sorted for his arrival now, just awaiting on his wheels getting here, hopefully sometime this week! Yesterday I was continuing with packing my hospital bag, which made it seem all the more real too… We have his coming home outfit, apart from his hat which mother-in-law is just finishing off knitting, I will post a photo when it’s done, going to be a cracker!

Last night I had quite a variety of dreams. The first involved iced fingers, gooey chocolate brownies, After Eight chocolate cake squares, and chocolate covered flapjack. I liked this one very much. Can you tell I’ve been craving chocolate a lot lately? The second involved me going on a ghost tour in a derelict building. And finally, a very odd ‘lunatic’ (the only word I can think of to describe!) was going around stabbing people with a fork! The night before last I also had the being attacked by dogs reappearing and woke up screaming and in tears, also realising I desperately needed the loo so jumped out of bed and nearly walked into the wardrobe! Oh dear.