If you’ve been reading the blog recently you may have seen me talking about how anxiety has been kicking my arse a lot. I’ve been managing my mental health with fluoxetine for quite a few years now and I’ve always managed to get back into the swing of things quite quickly; not so much with this latest flare up though. It’s not the worst I’ve ever had, but it certainly does feel like the longest.

Just when I feel like I’m crawling up that hill to get back to the top again, I come tumbling back down. A bit like The Grand Old Duke of York I suppose. I’m told it will pass, and the thing is, I know it will. But right at that moment in time, it certainly doesn’t feel like it. It just feels like the tiny black hole that once was – as let’s face it, if you’re a sufferer like me it’s always there, even if in its smallest form – is getting bigger and bigger.

Not so long ago, I decided that I was not going to let it defeat me any more. I was going to battle it head on. I can’t let this dark beast take my life away from me; I need to live my life to its fullest. After all, we’re not here forever. And of course I want to give my boys the childhood they deserve. Which means not being afraid to go places. Bringing these coping strategies back for if I do feel anxious. I know they work when I use them; I just haven’t needed to for a while. If I need a little help along the way, that’s fine.

Baby steps

I’ve done two things in the last few weeks where anxiety has reared its ugly head and almost stopped me. Almost induced a panic attack at just the thought. The fear of the unknown, quite simply. One of these was something I had signed up for a few months ago when I was in a good place; volunteering at a local Race For Life event. The day arrived and I was becoming so panicked; just some of the thoughts that were going through my head were –

• What if something happens to me while I’m driving there? (It was the first time I’d driven to the location on my own).
• What if nobody talks to me? (Which shouldn’t really matter, but it does to a person with anxiety).
• What if I get lost in the woods and/or they forget about me? (The course took place through a wooded area and I was a course marshal).

These thoughts may seem completely irrational to you, the “normal” reader; but to somebody battling anxiety, they are completely normal. If that is you, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. So do you know what I did? I simply thought “I will not let you beat me” and I did use a little something to help me be calm and collected. The wonder that is Rescue Remedy. It sounds crazy to think that this actually works, but it does. A few drops and I felt calm and ready to face the world. I did my job, I did something for the greater good, I did something for me.

This is just me, battling anxiety in baby steps.

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