The face of anxiety

The face of anxiety

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve discussed mental health over here. Anything over here, in fact. Because just recently, I haven’t been great. I’ve been in a rough place, and barely opened my laptop. It’s really important to talk about this stuff though and not suffer in silence. If I can encourage even one person reading this to talk; to talk to anyone, then my purpose has been served. Here’s me, serving up a plate of anxiety with a side order of depression.

The face of anxiety

Tear soaked, droopy eyes. From fresh tears that won’t stop falling.

A defence mechanism of a hand covering my mouth. Because I don’t want to talk, but I do.

This is the face. The face of anxiety. No filter here.

Anxiety, depression, crying

It’s a vicious circle. A flare up of anxiety uproots the depression.

From the outside looking in, you don’t know me, but you think I have it all together.

I don’t.

You think that I have no worries in the world.

But I worry about everything. 

Every day I cry in private. Why? Sometimes I have no idea; sometimes it’s at anything.

It affects everything. My concentration. I can’t focus on one thing for long. My eating habits. I either want to eat everything in sight, or nothing at all. Tiredness levels. I just want to stay in bed; I just want to sleep. 

I want to hide away. Hide my face from the world. Hide my thoughts from myself. You may think they’re irrational, but I can’t stop them. 

 

– I’m a rubbish mum.

– I’m failing my children.

– I’m fat.

– Oh, and I’m also that other word – on the outside anyway. Probably on the inside too.

– Why does no-one ever ask me to spend time with them?

– Because of all of the above.

– Because I suck at life.

And on, and on, and on.

Just when you think you’re doing okay, coping well. BOOM. You crash.

Into this giant brick wall. A wall that is so hard to climb over; but you struggle, you soldier on. Until one day, the rainbow appears.

And then; then, you just have to live the best you can, as you know it will probably come again. But what you don’t know, is when.

Some days I feel so closed off and so desperate, but just like this guy, it isn’t in my blood to give up.

4 thoughts on “The face of anxiety

  1. I admire the fact you put yourself out there like this honey. I’m so proud of you. So very proud of you. You know I too suffer and some days the downers come, and you just have no idea why sometimes. It’s frustrating and upsetting and I wish there was something that would fix it for us so we didn’t have to feel this way. But you’re right talking about it is far better than pretending we are okay.
    Love you xx

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