It’s been a while. A while since I’ve discussed mental health over here. Anything over here, in fact. Because just recently, I haven’t been great. I’ve been in a rough place, and barely opened my laptop. It’s really important to talk about this stuff though and not suffer in silence. If I can encourage even one person reading this to talk; to talk to anyone, then my purpose has been served. Here’s me, serving up a plate of anxiety with a side order of depression.
The face of anxiety
Tear soaked, droopy eyes. From fresh tears that won’t stop falling.
A defence mechanism of a hand covering my mouth. Because I don’t want to talk, but I do.
This is the face. The face of anxiety. No filter here.
It’s a vicious circle. A flare up of anxiety uproots the depression.
From the outside looking in, you don’t know me, but you think I have it all together.
You think that I have no worries in the world.
But I worry about everything.
Every day I cry in private. Why? Sometimes I have no idea; sometimes it’s at anything.
It affects everything. My concentration. I can’t focus on one thing for long. My eating habits. I either want to eat everything in sight, or nothing at all. Tiredness levels. I just want to stay in bed; I just want to sleep.
I want to hide away. Hide my face from the world. Hide my thoughts from myself. You may think they’re irrational, but I can’t stop them.
– I’m a rubbish mum.
– I’m failing my children.
– I’m fat.
– Oh, and I’m also that other word – on the outside anyway. Probably on the inside too.
– Why does no-one ever ask me to spend time with them?
– Because of all of the above.
– Because I suck at life.
And on, and on, and on.
Just when you think you’re doing okay, coping well. BOOM. You crash.
Into this giant brick wall. A wall that is so hard to climb over; but you struggle, you soldier on. Until one day, the rainbow appears.
And then; then, you just have to live the best you can, as you know it will probably come again. But what you don’t know, is when.
Some days I feel so closed off and so desperate, but just like this guy, it isn’t in my blood to give up.