One week

It’s been one week since the angels took our little bean. I keep calling bean ‘him’ as for the week or so before the miscarriage I was getting feelings of bean being another boy. Though they could have been a girl, who knows…

So how am I getting on? Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing. What I really want to say is “Not very well, it kills me every day”. But I usually give the answer of “As well as I can be”. Which are both true, I suppose. 

Physically, I’m much better than last week. My bleeding has nearly stopped, I think. It is much, much lighter and is fading in colour. This will be such a relief when it stops as it’s the most constant reminder at the minute. My tiredness is easing off too. 

Emotionally… I pretty much cry myself to sleep every night, as I go to rub my belly like I used to and then I realise there’s nothing there. And I always use bedtime to think. Which is bad at a time like this. I have points in the day where I just break down crying. Either randomly, or I will see or hear something that ‘should be’ that will set me off. I’ve seen one pregnancy announcement since the miscarriage, I actually didn’t hurt as much as I thought I would, but I did shed a few tears. It’s pretty much the same as when we were TTC little man, happy but sad. 

People keep telling me it will get better. I do believe them, I just have to feel it myself. 

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