I’m broken again

Yep. I’m broken again. 

It’s taking me right back to pre-little man times when I had awfully long heavy periods, and it’s bringing back so many hard memories. 

I know having a miscarriage can mess with your cycles. I was bleeding/spotting pretty much every day from the miscarriage to my first AF with the exception of around 2 weeks, so for around 5 weeks. I expected that. Then AF arrived mid/end of January, and I had a 28 day cycle, which I had never had before! “Great”, I thought, getting back to ‘normal’.

Until this cycle. I have now been bleeding for 18 days straight; really heavy for the last week and a half, which is just what I was like back then. 

So I’ve been to the doctors today. It was originally for more anti-depressants, which I’ve been given, but I thought whilst I was there that I would mention about this too. The GP has given me a prescription for tablets to stop the bleeding (which is why I mentioned it, as I’ve had them before). She asked if I’ve had any previous history of heavy bleeding/long cycles, so I told her, and she was writing a lot…

I know I’m so very lucky to have been able to conceive with the help of clomid, and then naturally (though that obviously didn’t end in great circumstances), but now I just feel like a freak again.


Finally!… Post miscarriage first cycle

After my miscarriage I bled for a week and a half. This was expected, and I was glad when it finally stopped, as it was just a constant reminder of what I had lost. Of course I then had to wait for the arrival of my next AF, which the sonographer and nurse told me it could be in the next 4-6 weeks from mc. So I was surprised when on Xmas Eve I started spotting again (thanks Santa!). I thought it was the arrival of AF pending, but nope… 

I’ve been waiting day after day for a ‘proper’ bleed indicating AF, which I was told would most likely be painful and heavy as I had a bit of baby left and obviously it would need to come out. (Jeez, even writing that is bringing a tear to my eye…) Well four weeks after spotting started, it finally ‘turned’! And now a week later it has finally stopped. This is the first day in 5 weeks I haven’t spotted/bled.

So since my miscarriage, I have spotted/bled for nearly 7 weeks in total! Though I am used to it, as it’s what used to happen before we started fertility treatment, but it has still been rather annoying. Though it wasn’t that heavy really, and only a little more painful than usual. But then, I never had any pain with my miscarriage either. 

So now I’ve finally had my first post-mc AF, I can concentrate on figuring out my cycles again. We don’t know when we’re going to ttc again yet, but I like to know where I’m at. 

Post pregnancy body changes

Since little man arrived, I’ve noticed a few physical changes in my body, which I guess every woman after childbirth will notice at least one. 

The first one for me is weight loss, which every woman will obviously experience after giving birth! In the first week I lost 10lbs, I was most aware of this by some of my pre pregnancy clothes fitting again after the few days. After that I gradually lost another 7lbs, but gained a few of those back (oops) which I’m frantically trying to lose again to fit in my bridesmaid dress on Saturday! I had a lot more pounds to lose before pregnancy anyway, which I’m going to be continuing with until I reach my goal.

Secondly, hair loss. This is the one I’m sure that every woman who experiences it, hates it. It started for me on Sunday, just under 10 weeks after giving birth. I was washing my hair in the bath and I saw it was coming out in handfuls. It’s not so bad for me as I have thick hair anyway, if anything, it might make it more manageable for me, personally!

Third, boobies! Before pregnancy I was a C cup, went up to a DD during pregnancy (though they felt bigger!), now they are a D cup. Obviously husband is very pleased about this. I have to say I noticed this because my other bras were getting mega uncomfortable and giving me backache as they were a poor fit. It means a whole new bra shopping trip too! And a clear out of my others.   

Finally, the one which everyone wonders when it is going to reappear. The dreaded AF. I really had no clue, as my cycles & periods were so bad before pregnancy, and I wasn’t expecting my first post pregnancy OV as I had never OV’d naturally before. Well, just over two weeks ago I noticed some discharge, which wasn’t like any I’d had before. In fact, it looked just like what is described as EWCM. Like I said, no natural OV before, so I still wasn’t certain, and thought I would wait a couple of weeks to see if AF arrived. I have heard of ladies with PCO/PCOS being ‘cured’ (if you like) after pregnancy, so wondered if it might be the case with me. Sure enough, 13 days after suspected OV, I started spotting. Exactly 14 days after suspected OV, AF properly arrived! I think the little man might have fixed me! Well, we will see how long this period lasts, as before treatment it could be anything up to 6 weeks (lovely), and then nothing for months. And then to watch out and see if I OV again in the next couple of weeks…

PCOS – how it affects

Earlier this month I wrote a post on the facts of PCOS. This post will be about the affect it has had, or it has, on other people.

My experience with PCOS has been quite short in a way, but looking back from during diagnosis and afterwards, I think in a way it has been a lengthy one too. Ever since I started my periods they have been horrendous – heavy, long, never knowing when they were going to start/end. At school I was put on tablets because they were so heavy, but they made me sick so I stopped taking them. And then I went on the contraceptive pill about aged 13, which kind of regulated them and made them not so bad. Then, when I stopped taking it around aged 18 (in 2005), the troubles started again. Mainly irregular periods & very quick weight gain, which I also found very hard to lose so just gave up when I tried (also some excess hair and acne). Then when we decided in 2008 that we would start trying to conceive in the January of 2009, this is when I noticed my periods were worse than ever, not knowing when my next was going to arrive, then when it did lasting for weeks and weeks and weeks, until I finally went to the doctor each time to get norithisterone to stop it. And then many of my readers will know that clomid worked for me in helping to conceive. That’s as far as I will go regarding that, as the rest of my history is here. So, looking back, I’m pretty sure there was something wrong with me before starting the pill, most likely a mild form of PCOS, and the pill made the symptoms worse? 

B’s experience

“When I was told at 19 I had PCOS it totally destroyed my confidence. I knew little about it, but thought that it was just my periods that were messed up. I didn’t know about my hair falling out by handfuls, the huge weight gain and the awful mood swings I get. It’s an invisible disease and no one can understand how it controls a lot of your health (I also suffer from insulin resistance due to PCOS). All of these came to second to when I was told I could never have children. Got everything they crossed the come out with a better treatment for PCOS than metformin”

N’s experience

I know I should go to the GP and talk about it and my infertility but I’m instead hiding away about it, because if it just doesn’t happen I can just say it’s one of those things, we never even went to the GP or anything. But if I go through the tests and the clomid and it still doesn’t happen, there’s just no hope left”

I briefly mentioned about metformin in my previous post about PCOS, which is a drug used to help with weight and regulation of periods/ovulation. There are mixed opinions from users of metformin. One reader (M) says “Metformin actually works and is very effective with PCOS… I had not seen one single AF for a whole year and when I started taking it I lost 12 kilos and I got my AF back”. Another user (L) debated this saying “I’m thinking along the lines that metformin doesn’t always work, I’ve been on it for 6 months now and I haven’t seen AF since”. Both of these readers also mentioned about how they have suffered from depression, as well as a lot of other ladies that I know of who suffer from PCOS.

So, we can see that the physical effects it has on an individual, can vary from person to person, but many emotions remain the same across the board. 

Clomid cycle 2 update, and other stuff (small TMI alert)

Realised I haven’t updated for a while, well since before I started clomid round 2, so here goes…

Well AF actually appeared ‘properly’ the day after my last blog post, so that helped! Roll on CD2 and I started on my 100mg, well I was pretty normal (well as normal as my periods can be) for that day, but the next two days were absolutely horrendous. AF was so heavy and I had stomach ache throughout, it was that bad I had to go and ‘change’ every couple of hours, just yuck. I haven’t had a period like that for years, forgot how bad my bad periods actually were. But, I suppose that means the higher dose was actually doing something as I never had it that bad last round, in fact it was much lighter than normal. Didn’t really have many other side effects, mainly constant headaches like last time around, and mood swings and a little emotional. 

Today is CD15, so I guess am on the TWW, although if it’s anything to go by my last cycle of 54 days, I don’t know… 

Anyway, that’s that, now for other stuff. Been finding the whole thing a bit difficult lately. Everyone either seems to be having babies or announcing pregnancies again, it’s just like they all come at once. The thing that really pushed me over the edge was yesterday. One of my close friends posted a status on Facebook referring to the whole TTC thing, and anyway we got to the point where I said seeing pics of scans and bumps etc. really upset me, and a mutual friend (who just happens to be pregnant) said along the lines of ‘well delete everyone who does that, it would be the easiest thing’. I said if I did that half my friends would be gone! So bearing in mind she knew how I felt right then, an hour later she had posted a pic of her expanding bump! That just really got to me, like she was rubbing it in. She probably wasn’t, but anyone who suffers IF will know that we can be incredibly sensitive and just wish people would think sometimes. 

Well right before that, another friend posted a photo of her newborn girl who is incredibly gorgeous. Surprisingly though this didn’t upset me too much as she is one of the nicest people I know and I couldn’t think of a better person for it to happen to, she has always been sensitive towards me and there when I needed a chat. I posted a status not long after these two events simply saying *sigh*, and unfortunately this friend thought it was about her when it really wasn’t, so if you are reading this then I hope you understand. 

Also something that one of my best friends said to me not long ago has been playing on my mind. We were discussing about people posting the pics and she said she doesn’t mind the scan pics but when I do get pregnant (I’m more thinking ‘if’) that I am not to post bump pics (which I am not going to do anyway, as I know just how heartbreaking it is. I will be posting on here for anyone that wants to see, then those who don’t, don’t have to look) because it is like the person saying ‘Look what I can do and you can’t’ – and in a way, playing over and over in my head, I suppose it is. And then another friend posted a photo of her expanding bump tonight. I usually ‘like’ these from this friend but I just had to navigate away from the page, I was immediately in tears. I just want it to be me.

I just think I need a break from the whole Facebook thing. It’s just all getting too much for me again and I’m in tears every day, and I just don’t want to be.