I recently read a post over on my good friend Lou’s blog about mental health and it got me thinking; how am I, really? I don’t really see many people “in real life” day-to-day, so it’s not often that I ask out loud. I do try to ask this online though; some days I’ll greet a group chat with the question, “How is everyone today?”. Some days they will share, some they won’t. But it makes me feel better to know that I’ve taken the time to ask, and given that prompt to share the load if needed.
Me being me, I just plod along through each day and tend to hold things in until I have a breakdown. I know this isn’t the way to deal with all the rubbish life throws at me, but that’s just…me. So –
How am I, really?
Really – I seem to have more down days than up at the moment. As a family we’re dealing with a whole heap of cr*p right now, with two of us especially.
Jacob. He is really struggling in mainstream school. As well as seeing a numerous amount of education related professionals recently, he is awaiting a few assessments too. But that’s a whole other post – or more. His anxiety seems through the roof; bedtime is a real struggle, as are school mornings when he doesn’t want me to leave.
Me. I’m also undergoing investigations for an autoimmune disorder that flagged up on some blood tests a few months ago; the symptoms of which I’ve suffered for almost a year now. So with a lot of stress, worry and appointments on the go, I am actually akin to one of those permanently exhausted pigeons. But a human version instead.
I cry pretty much every day.
I wonder where I’ve gone wrong in life.
It feels like I can’t go on any more.
I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I actually, really, just want to hide away and sleep. Just disappear.
So I don’t have to deal with these problems any longer.
But I know that’s not an option.
My family needs me; I need them.
My problem is, I don’t like asking for help. I’m trying; I’m really trying to ask. But then I apologise! I need to stop doing that too. I don’t know if you believe in angels, but I’ve gained a real life one in my neighbour Caroline this year. I’m not sure where I’d be without my morning coffee(s) and motivational talks. My other friends, I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m sorry I keep saying we should make plans and then don’t follow through. I’m really struggling right now.
I know I don’t sound okay, but please don’t worry. I will get through this – I always do. Honestly – because that’s what this post is all about – I don’t think my antidepressant medication is working well any more, but with a much-needed nudge, I’ll be seeing my GP again soon to see about changing it.