I started writing this when I got my BFP, with the intent to publish it after 12 weeks when we had had our scan. Obviously we didn’t get that far, but I would like to publish it anyway. *Contains very sensitive content, and TMI at points so only read on if you wish.
Thursday October 18 (
5w 2d 3w 6d)
Tuesday October 30 (
Finally after ringing and ringing and leaving a message, them ringing me but I was busy so they left a message, and me ringing and ringing back, I got hold of someone to make my booking appointment! It’s for 2 weeks today when I should be 9 weeks. Finally, something to count down to!
Had my first odd pregnancy dream today, which I’ll be filling you in on all of them again! In our bedroom we have a cabinet diagonally opposite our bed – well I dreamed that J was on our bed, had climbed down from the bed and was trying to climb up the cabinet. He got nearly to the top but fell backwards, but he managed to land on the bed! And then he climbed down from the bed, and crawled from the foot of the bed around the side, and climbed up on to the bed to see his Mummy, aww! He was his current age in the dream (7.5 months) and he’s not crawling yet, though I was expecting to wake up and for him to be doing it!
Sunday November 11 (
Was the first worried moment of this pregnancy yesterday, I went to the loo and when I wiped there was pink tinged blood on the tissue. Cue panic and thoughts of the worst happening. After this I’m sure I felt cramps but they weren’t strong so I must have just imagined it. I’ve had nothing since so hopefully all is OK and it was just a bit of old blood. I had bleeding in my last pregnancy so will mention this to the midwife on Tuesday at my booking appointment. These babies like to test us before they even arrive, don’t they?!
Tuesday November 13 (
So I had my booking appointment today. Went through the usual stuff – medical history, bloods, wee sample etc. Told them about my PND and anxiety which they wrote down in there. I had my height & weight done which worked my BMI out at 34, which is 4 more than when I went for booking in with J! Oh dear. Ashamed of myself. It also means I have to have another GTT (I hated the last one), but it’s all for the safety of me & baby so I obviously can’t complain. Got my lovely new green folder! And another Bounty pack. My next (15 week) appointment with the midwives is a few days after Christmas. I will be 15 weeks, 6 weeks today, but guess what – that’s Christmas Day, so they said “No, can’t do it that day”, which made me giggle! Now we’ve just got to wait for a scan date, and then we can tell everyone and you can finally all read this!
Friday November 16 (8w)
So after the weekend spotting, I have been bleeding on & off since Wednesday night. I rang the GP yesterday morning and he told me to go to A&E for a possible examination and a scan. It wasn’t very busy when we arrived (only one other person there) but we ended up waiting 2.5 hours to be seen. Not good with a grumpy tired baby! Anyway, the doctor said as I had only been spotting really and had no pain or clots, then he would get me booked in at the EPU for an early scan. So I went for that this afternoon. I was so nervous in case there was no heartbeat. I’d drank my 2 pints of water an hour before and I was absolutely desperate for the loo, I never remember it being that bad before! I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I had to go and let some out and as I did I heard my name being called, and thought oops! Anyway, I was seen by someone who took my history, what had been happening etc., and then I had to wait for my scan, by which time I was again bursting for the loo. Finally got called for the scan, it was a trainee who carried it out but there was someone else in attendance. As soon as I laid down on the bed I felt like I was going to wee myself any minute, so was dreading her using the doppler! So she started, she found magic little bean practically straight away, I was looking for a heartbeat. It was there! Such relief. Then she measured bean, I’m actually measuring at 8 weeks rather than the 9w 3d we thought originally. I had guessed I might be a week or so behind though as I was thinking about my dates the other day and I know exactly when we conceived and it didn’t work out right, as I OV late in my cycle as I don’t have a ‘normal’ 28 day cycle. Anyway, all was OK and it has been classed as another ‘threatened miscarriage’ like it was with J. Our 12 week scan is 4 weeks today when we get to see our little magic bean again.
Sunday November 25 (9w 2d)
I meant to write last week as I had another couple of pregnancy dreams, but I just kept forgetting and now I can’t remember what the first one was. The second one I remember vaguely though, as I dreamed we had another boy!
Sunday December 2 (10w 2d)
We had another A&E visit last night. I started bleeding bright red on Friday night, along with clots this time too. It started off just when I wiped, and then it started being on a pad too. The clots to start with were the size of a pen nib and then some got bigger, probably 1/2 cm long. I thought it may die off like before but they continued yesterday too, so thought we would go up there. We were waiting an hour and a bit before we saw the nurse, and she said she would try and get me in with the GP rather than the A&E side as it would be quicker. So we waited another half an hour or so and then we saw him. Basically told him what had been going on and the spotting since last time, and he booked me in at the EPU again tomorrow at 1.15 pm for a scan. So we will see what happens then. I still haven’t had any pain really, just a bit of what feels like ‘hunger’ belly ache which makes sense as I don’t really feel like eating at the minute. I’m still dreading it though in case of the worst, I’m not even going to look at the screen until they tell me whether there’s a heartbeat or not… If everything is OK then I’m guessing it’s cervical erosion and I’m going to ask about a cervical stitch, as surely I shouldn’t be getting clots if I’m not miscarrying?…
Monday December 3 (10w 3d)
I woke up at 2 am with a huge gush of blood so I immediately jumped out and rushed to the loo. Luckily I had a pad on what with bleeding over the weekend. The pad had pretty much soaked through, and then when I had been to the loo I saw a bigger clot in there. I was really panicking by now as I just knew what was probably happening. I tried to stay calm though and I went back to bed as I had to get hubby up for work at 4 am, but I didn’t really need my alarm as I woke up with another gush of blood. This time when I went to the loo I felt a huge clot and the tears really started as I knew for sure this time. I must have have been sat on the loo for the next two hours just sobbing my heart out, losing blood and clots. Around 6 am it had calmed down a bit and I went to lie down in bed but had to keep going backwards & forwards to the loo for the next half an hour or so. Eventually I managed to drop off in bed until J woke up about 8 am. MiL was coming anyway to look after him while we went to the hospital (hubby was able to leave work early). As soon as she arrived I just burst into tears and she gave me a huge hug. Skip to the hospital and the usual of a full bladder, seeing the nurse first (there was a student nurse in there too who took all my details), and then we were called for the scan. Only this time I knew it was going to show nothing so I did as I said and didn’t look at the screen, and just held hubby’s hand SO tightly. The sonographer said “Sorry, I’m not seeing anything”, to which I replied “I knew you were going to say that”, and then burst into tears. She showed us to the quiet room and I just sat there sobbing, and my poor hubby, he just held me and cried too. There it is, confirmation this pregnancy is over. Heartbroken.
R.I.P. our special little angel bean xx
*(Weeks along edited after early scan)