I started writing this when I got my BFP, with the intent to publish it after 12 weeks when we had had our scan. Obviously we didn’t get that far, but I would like to publish it anyway. *Contains very sensitive content, and TMI at points so only read on if you wish. Thursday October 18 (5w 2d 3w 6d) Since we had J my cycles have gone pretty ‘normal’ and I started ovulating, so I kind of know where I’m at. By today though my AF was a couple of days late, going by average cycle lengths since J. We had …
miscarriage
One week
It’s been one week since the angels took our little bean. I keep calling bean ‘him’ as for the week or so before the miscarriage I was getting feelings of bean being another boy. Though they could have been a girl, who knows… So how am I getting on? Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing. What I really want to say is “Not very well, it kills me every day”. But I usually give the answer of “As well as I can be”. Which are both true, I suppose. Physically, I’m much better than last week. My bleeding has …
Forever
I woke at 2am that morning, Sat bolt upright in bed, I had to rush, jump out, I knew you were going, going forever. The next 4 hours were spent sat, Sobbing, crying, wishing, hoping, That you were ok, while losing you, But I knew you were going, going forever. We were going to check on you that afternoon, The rest of the day passed in slow motion, As I knew you were going, going forever. We didn’t see you; “I’m sorry, I’m not seeing anything”, she said, In that moment we knew for sure you were gone, Gone forever. …
When?
When? Something I started to think about on Tuesday, only one day after my miscarriage. When to try again? Something that must cross the mind of every couple when they lose their precious baby. So, we weren’t actively trying for little bean and it was a bit of shock when we got our BFP as after our journey with little man, we were not in the slightest expecting to catch straight away. But once we had gotten over the shock we were so ecstatic and so looking forward to being parents of two. We were originally planning on waiting until …
Dates
In the 10 short weeks I was pregnant, and that our little bean lived inside me, there have been a couple of dates which are significant and close to each other. The day we went for our first early scan, we received our original dating scan letter through the post. This would have been today, so today is already one of those bad days. We should have originally been seeing our little bean for the first time today, heart beating away. Instead yesterday we had to go and see nothing there, nothing at all. Empty. (Apart from a clot or …