The (not so) amazing shrinking Stacey

I have been on my weight loss journey for just over a year now. TTC was the reason why I decided I needed to lose weight. The other reason was because I wanted to. I needed to lose it because I knew if we ended up needing fertility treatment at any point in the future, I would need to be in a healthy BMI, or overweight at the very most. A BMI of 30. Well, I am nearly there. 


I’ve lost around 42 lbs so far, since I started my  journey at the end of January last year. I’ve had my ups & downs, sometimes I’ve felt like throwing the towel in, but then I think how much fitter I am now, and how much better I feel about myself, and not having to bury my figure under baggy clothes – I do not want to be back there again. Anyway, I’ve got rid of most of my fat clothes now, so can’t go back! (Bar my one pair of ‘fat’ jeans, which I’m using as an indicator to how much I have lost.) I can wear dresses, I have a waist. I haven’t been like that for years. Even in my wedding photos I look horrible, I look pregnant! If only! I tried to lose weight before then but obviously I wasn’t set on it enough. If I had known what I would have looked like though, I’m sure I would have kept at it!


There is one thing that really annoys me though. When people tend to moan because they have only lost 1lb! For goodness sake, this is what 1lb looks like:



Gross, I know! But look how much it is! Shocking at how many extra of these I’ve been carrying around!

I’ve discovered my inner green eyed monster during this journey too. Sometimes I’ve found it so, so difficult to drop the weight, and it’s really frustrating when I have been working my butt off (literally!), eating right, and I see nothing, yet there are people who eat like crap, lack on the exercise, and drop the lbs like nobody’s business! Well, since I’ve discovered I (most likely) have PCOS, it throws some explanation as to why I haven’t managed as easily as some others. As I have friends with the same who struggle too, and it really is frustrating when it feels like everyone around you is doing so much better, so much easier. If it turns out I actually don’t, well, then, I’ve obviously not been working as hard at it as I think I have, I guess.


I am pleased for all of my friends who have lost a huge amount of weight, but to think I’ve done this all on my own, no slimming clubs or particular food plan, those are the friends who are bringing out my green eyed monster lately! I try to hold it back, but I just can’t! Mainly because they have lost just about the same amount of weight as me, in half the amount of time I have been doing it, I think maybe I would be better off with one of those?! But then it’s not something I (personally) would be able to stick out for the rest of my life. The ‘Stacey’ plan is something I can stick with, and have managed pretty well (I think) over the last year.


(To all of you who fit into the above criteria, seriously well done! I know you’ve worked hard too. Please don’t take it personally – just releasing my frustration with myself)


I hope to reach my goal this year, I am just over half way there now (see my ticker at the bottom). I’m sure there may be a few more weight loss frustration posts from me over the next few months! Watch this space!

PCOS

I should have written this last week but only got around to it today.


So last week, after the mess about with the HSG, we went for our appointment at the FC anyway. I knew they wouldn’t be able to tell us much without having the HSG, but they could tell me something. My pelvic scan came back fine, no abnormalities. But bloods were abnormal. No OV. Which I knew anyway, so wasn’t really a shock to me. But then she said it is most likely that I have PCOS, with the results of my bloods and my medical history, but obviously they need my HSG for the full picture and to diagnose it for certain. This wasn’t too much of a shock either as I had also suspected it.


So now I am just waiting for AF to arrive (which should be any day now, I think) before I can book my HSG, and I am going to get one this time, because our next appointment is in March and I will probably only have only 1 AF between now and then! And I seriously cannot wait yet another month after that, it will be nearly 6 months as it is since I’ve been trying to get one!


Edit: I have one for next week! 

The next step

Today I took the next step in ‘getting over’ my people getting pregnant and having babies saga. I looked through somebody’s newborn album on fakebook. 


It may not seem like much to the normal observer, but to me that is a HUGE step. I never really do that, for fear of jealousy and floods of tears. I got all the way through the album. Yes, I could feel the tears bubbling to the surface, and of course I was still jealous, as it is what I have wanted for the last two years, to hold a baby in my arms. But I actually did it. The first step of many, I think I just need to keep it up now and try overcome in my own slow way. 


I also went to somebody personally and congratulated them on their pregnancy announcement (following on from my post from a couple of days ago). Only a few months late, but better late than never, hey?

Everywhere you go

So it seems, as soon as you start ttc, there seems to be pregnant women EVERYWHERE. Of course, they have always been there, it’s just that you want to be one of them, so you start noticing them more. And soon enough, it takes over your life.


Social networking sites. Yep, they are all over there too. There seems to be something in the water at the minute. It seems like every other day someone is announcing they are pregnant. I don’t mind (well, if I’m honest, which is what this blog is for, it kind of destroys me a little more inside every time I hear it, and a wave of jealousy explodes inside of me), it’s just when their scan photos are ‘flaunted’ all over. Well, again, I don’t mind people adding their photos, as they want to show off their baby, and everyone else wants to see. I can avoid that by just not looking at the photos, which I do (apart from when they appear on my top news feed, at which point I quickly move page).


It’s when they then have them as their profile photo too. I then see them all the time, and every time it hurts just that little bit more. I can’t avoid this, unless I stop using the site altogether, or remove them from my friends, or hide them from my feed. Which I don’t want to do any of, as they are my friends, and I like to keep up with them. (OK, so in truth, I’m just too nosy). It just feels like it’s being rubbed in, that they’re pregnant and happy, and I’m not. I know that’s not true, but infertility drives you to these types of thoughts.


From this experience, when (trying to think positive here, not working) we are in the situation we so want to be in, I am not going to be doing the profile pic thing, as I know all too much just how soul destroying it is every single time it flashes in your face.