Yes – I’ve found the summer holidays hard

Yes I've found the summer holidays hard

Most parents I know seem to look forward to the summer holidays; weeks of fun, plans, and days out with their little ones. Spending quality time, making precious memories. But, I’m not most parents. I’m one of those that dreads the summer holidays.

After working hard on my mental health over the last few months and writing our summer bucket list, I have to admit that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was actually looking forward to the holidays. Spending quality time with the boys, and making and documenting some new memories. Read more

Battling anxiety in baby steps

Battling anxiety in baby steps

If you’ve been reading the blog recently you may have seen me talking about how anxiety has been kicking my arse a lot. I’ve been managing my mental health with fluoxetine for quite a few years now and I’ve always managed to get back into the swing of things quite quickly; not so much with this latest flare up though. It’s not the worst I’ve ever had, but it certainly does feel like the longest.

Just when I feel like I’m crawling up that hill to get back to the top again, I come tumbling back down. A bit like The Grand Old Duke of York I suppose. I’m told it will pass, and the thing is, I know it will. But right at that moment in time, it certainly doesn’t feel like it. It just feels like the tiny black hole that once was – as let’s face it, if you’re a sufferer like me it’s always there, even if in its smallest form – is getting bigger and bigger. Read more

The face of anxiety

The face of anxiety

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve discussed mental health over here. Anything over here, in fact. Because just recently, I haven’t been great. I’ve been in a rough place, and barely opened my laptop. It’s really important to talk about this stuff though and not suffer in silence. If I can encourage even one person reading this to talk; to talk to anyone, then my purpose has been served. Here’s me, serving up a plate of anxiety with a side order of depression. Read more

The emotions of starting school

Today is the last day of Jacob’s first full week since starting school. Last week on his first week, he started later and finished early so he only did a few hours a day. He was tired then so I knew this week was really going to affect him with regards to mood and tiredness. Needless to say, he has been sleeping for almost 12 hours a night, when previously he was lucky to get nine!

He was excited yet a little bit dubious going into his class on his first day, but since then he has been absolutely fine and ran in every morning, almost without even saying goodbye! He’s been coming home at the end of the day telling us about what he’s been doing, who he’s been playing with, what he’s had for his lunch. I thought he had settled in really well. Read more

It’s okay to not feel okay | Depression

It's okay to not feel okay

I know some people like to keep to themselves, but I’m very open about my mental health issues and it helps me to talk about it sometimes, even though I haven’t blogged about it for a while. I just want people to know, it’s okay to not feel okay.

Recently, I’ve been feeling okay up until the last couple of weeks, when it got to the point that I couldn’t even face going out and I was inside for 3 days straight. I hate feeling like I’m going to burst into tears, or I actually do, all day every single day. Like I feel right now.

The feelings of nothing, emptiness, no worth, just nothing. Feeling like I just want to run away, somewhere I can just sleep the days away until I feel better, where I don’t have to cook, or clean, where I don’t have anyone else to take care of, in general, where I survive by sleeping. As right now I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job of surviving.

I love my boys with everything I have, and I know siblings fight, and I know children whine, and I know they can’t understand how I feel, but on these days, everything just feels so much worse, and right now I just feeling like running out of that door and running away so I don’t have to listen to them as it makes my head spin and exacerbates all of those feelings inside. But of course I wouldn’t. It is just hard, so so hard.

I just like to know I am not alone, and I like you to know that you are not alone, and though it doesn’t feel like it to you, it is okay to feel like this. It’s not you, it’s purely a chemical imbalance.

We can fight it, day after day, after day. One day, something might click, and we might not feel like this ever again. Or, we might fight this until the day we die.

But…

It’s okay.

I will be okay.

You will be okay.

We have to be okay.

We are survivors.

Right until the end.