Recently there are SO many people announcing their pregnancies – in my opinion I think people need to find something else to do around Christmas time, funny how they’re all due in September! ;P – a few of these though, have thought it ‘best’ to tell me before announcing it ‘publicly’ (i.e. on facebook).
I suppose it’s so that it’s not so much of a shock and disappointment to me when they do it, and I am so grateful that my friends care about me enough to do this, but at the same time I don’t want them to feel like it’s their duty to do it, when I should be happy for them anyway (which I am) and not be so disappointed.
I think I’ve improved lately in controlling my feelings with announcements and such, although I’m still having my up & down days.
I just want to be able to tell MY friends that I’M pregnant, that’s all I want.
This is a message to my friends. To the ones that have been there for me since the beginning of this long, long journey. Those who I have met along the way.
Thank you for being there for me. Through the ups & the downs, listening to my moaning, my feeling sorry for myself, everything. And understanding.
To those struggling, it’s been good to know I’m not alone, and although it’s horrible what we are going through, I’m glad I have people who understand and can empathise. Like BT says, it’s good to talk. To someone who knows exactly how I am feeling, and doesn’t think I am horrible or strange when I come out with things that anyone else would think was irrational! Infertility does strange things to your mind and thought processes, hey?! To you all, I just know we will get there eventually, however long the road, we have to, for each other. Keep pushing. Keep strong. It’s all we can do.
To those who have gotten their BFP’s, and had babies, along the way. I hope you know that I am truly happy for you, it’s just hard sometimes. Thanks to those who have understood when I haven’t spoken to you much about your pregnancies, your babies, or looked at your pictures. It’s been incredibly hard for me, but I’m getting there, I’m managing to push my sadness aside and be happy for you, have started talking about these things and looking. And to those (very, very few, I can probably only think of one, that’s that I know of anyway) who haven’t always been so understanding, well, it’s a shame, that’s all I can say.
To those who have finished having children, or have no interest in having children, thanks for taking the time out to talk to me about it, even though you probably think I am silly and self absorbed about it at times!
It’s lovely to know that so many people care about me.
Here a couple of pics to show the support I have had lately when I was feeling the lowest of the low:
My lovely message from Rebekah and others who agreed, which had me in tears (happy ones).
My gorgeous flowers from Bekah, which also had me in tears! (Also happy ones).
I think last night I had a breakdown that was a long time coming. I think I’ve been strong and holding everything in for too long. I’ve tried to do the being happy thing, smiling through it, but deep down, I am slowly dying inside, and hurting so bad.
What set me off was the amount of people announcing pregnancies. I may have been able to cope, if it wasn’t for the alcohol consumption, or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows. (I get really emotional when I drink wine, and I’m what you would call a ‘lightweight’ as well). Yesterday was also a month until our FC visit when we found out my HSG results and basically where we go from there, which could shape the rest of our lives.
All this news hit me really hard. The final one just totally broke me, I felt like my world had come crashing down around me. I literally downed a glass of wine, no sipping here. I then just had to go and have a damn good cry. I just couldn’t stop. Paul came to comfort me, me crying that I couldn’t cope anymore, that I just couldn’t do it, and then he said the words you really don’t want to hear, especially form your husband! – “We can always adopt”… I mean, I’m in a such a state, and you come out with that?! Not that it will probably get to that point that we have to do that, I think he just didn’t know what to say to comfort me, as I was in the worst state I have ever been in.
Needless to say, I told him to just leave me alone and I cried some more. And more. And then I did something really stupid, which I have never even thought about before. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself sick. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel better. I kept trying and trying, about five times, but I just couldn’t. My throat was killing then, my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I then went back and cried some more. I eventually went downstairs and just held onto my husband, without him here, I don’t know what I would have done.
(TMI alert – don’t read on if you are easily offended!)
Well it’s over!
I was so nervous, felt sick, and dreading it beforehand, but it really wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, the strong painkillers I took an hour before my appointment probably helped! I arrived 5 minutes before my appointment, they called me pretty much on time. I was taken into a small ‘cupboard’ (OK, it was a room about as big as a cupboard) and given a bag for my belongings, and two gowns, one to put on my front and one for the back. I just used the front one as I had a long top on anyway and it covered me around the back. The nurse (1) went through my details, asked me relevant questions, and left me to get ‘changed’ while she helped set up in the x-ray room.
When I was ready she led me into the room, the gynae doctor wasn’t there yet so I sat and waited another few minutes, the radiographer went through my details again, and her and the nurse set up some more. Another nurse (2) arrived around this time too. The gynae doctor finally arrived and went through my details yet again!
Then I had to climb aboard the bed… ass at the end, legs wide open balanced on the edge! Not the most dignified really, but oh well, needs must! Everything was pretty much set up, the doctor got the speculum ‘up there’, I didn’t really feel it much to be honest. My right leg kept shaking and slipping off the edge, it’s really hard to keep your balance as your behind and legs are so close together right on the edge! The left one was fine though! Nurse 1 went around and held my leg in position in the end lol. Nurse 2 held my hand too, bless her, and they all kept asking if I was OK, so I felt pretty comfortable. The catheter was then put up, this was slightly uncomfortable and gave me cramps which I was expecting at some point. Then she *tried* inserting the clear liquid, it wasn’t having any of it though! So she had to change the catheter and try again. Second time lucky! This gave me slight cramps too. The radiographer then took images as the dye was going in and through my tubes, and it was over before I knew it.
I was then able to move back and let my legs regain themselves lol! During which time they cleared up. I was given a big granny pad in case of leakage from the liquid and any spotting. I did take my own but just wanted to get home as I had period type pains. All of them said I was a really good patient which I was pleased about, cos I was expecting to be a nightmare!
They didn’t really say anything about whether my tubes were clear or not, looking back I wish I had asked, as I now have to wait until our next FC appt., but not much I can do in the meantime anyway.
Tips for anyone who has to undergo a HSG procedure:
Take a couple of strong painkillers about an hour before your appointment – I really think these helped with the pain, but it depends what your pain threshold is.
Just relax – I know it’s easier said than done with alsorts being shoved up there, but it will also help it to be less painful, and easier for the doctor so it will be over and done with quicker.
If they don’t tell you whether you are clear or not, ask, if it will help to put your mind at ease.
Take your own sanitary towel, as you will probably have some leaking and slight spotting, unless you want a big thick one to take away with you! 😉
So tomorrow is the dreaded HSG. I am really not looking forward to it, I’m squeamish even at the thought of having blood taken! I’ve been advised to take strong painkillers about an hour before, and to take a pad, as the hospital ones are ginormous apparently!
I’m going to probably be in pain for the next 2 or 3 days, meaning lots of rest and no exercise…argh! What am I gonna do without that?! It’s the one thing that has been keeping me going and (usually – not today because of the nerves) cheers me up. (I know, who would’a thought it?!)
Also have a job interview on Friday, I hope I’m not in too much pain for that, I will have to take some painkillers I think, and just do my best.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, as I’m sure I’ll be on the sofa for the rest of the day when it is over…