You can read part 2 here.
Monday 3rd March
I was hoping that we would be allowed to go home today, but as little man #2 still wasn’t feeding directly from me, that was a no go. At this point I once again considered just totally switching to formula so we could go home. But then I remembered how bad it made me feel last time so I got my determined head on and tried to be positive. We could do this.
Hubby came back to hospital, bringing little man #1 with him. As LM#1 has a short attention span, I suggested that they only stay a couple of hours then go and get some lunch, then come back for another couple before going home for the night. LM#1 was that tired anyway he ventured around the room for an hour (luckily we were in a private side room!), then just fell asleep on Daddy for a while. This gave me a chance to attempt feeding LM#2 again and to have some lunch. When the two men left to get their lunch, I armed hubby with a list of items to bring to see me through the night.
I must have been tired from all of the emotions going through me as when hubby and LM#2 came back, I was fast asleep. Again, they stayed for a couple of hours before going home. This time, I was in tears before they left – I so wanted us to go with them. The NICU nurse (the 2nd one now) asked what was wrong – she suspected I didn’t want to attempt to breastfeed anymore. Right now, I really didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to go home but I also just wanted to feed my baby! It broke my heart when they left because LM#1 was just constantly saying Mummy, so we were missing each other just as much. They went, I had my tea, had a few more tears, then I got on the pump again (as I had been doing after every feed, ready for the next one). It couldn’t have gotten any worse, but then the HCA attempted to ‘help’ me transfer my expressed breast milk into syringes to store in the fridge, and in the process tipped half of one of the bottles all over the floor! I was on the verge of tears, again.
After I’d finished pumping I climbed back into bed and decided to read for a while rather than sleep. My Mum rang me to ask how things were going – I just burst into tears. I had to calm myself down before I told her how I was feeling. I just didn’t want to be here anymore, on my own. She said that she would gladly come for a while to keep me company but by the time she got there guest visiting would be over so suggested father-in-law watch LM#1 and hubby come up, which he did. I just burst into tears when he walked in because I was so upset at the lack of progress, and just with being there.
We had a different NICU nurse looking after us tonight. We were still continuing with the cup feeding, and trying on the breast before a feed. The nurse had gone to get my EBM from the fridge and whilst she was there, I, now reluctantly, tried LM#2 on the boob again. He fussed a bit as usual. And then he latched on (albeit painfully). He fed for 5 minutes. I couldn’t believe it. We had done it. The first time I had ever breastfed ‘properly’. Though I wasn’t getting my hopes up as I already felt like a big fat failure again, and felt it was too good to be true. He still had my EBM which the nurse had prepared though.
Once again hubby had to leave. The same old routine, me crying. Hoping we would be going home with him tomorrow. I decided to go to sleep this time as I was shattered, and the nurse would be back in a few hours for another feed. LM#2 breastfed again, but the nurse could tell I was still upset as it still felt like such a struggle, and she could just read that I wanted to be at home. She was so lovely, and we had a little chat. She said it was no bother to her whether I carried on with the breastfeeding, or decided to give him formula. I really did want to carry on though. I could have cried because she was so understanding. After this, she decided that she was happy enough that we could now be discharged from transitional care back to the midwives, then it was up to them if we could go home. I didn’t see her again after that, I was left to feed him on my own.
Tuesday 4th March
I was still nervous that the midwife care would want to keep us in – I don’t know why as everything was fine now! I was woken by LM#2 around 6 am wanting a feed, and I couldn’t get back to sleep after this. I had told hubby not to bother coming until I knew what was happening and had let him know. The midwife came in around 9 am and told me that the B.A.B.E.S would be coming to see how we were doing now, and if they were happy then she would come back to check me & LM over and then we could go home. I was so relieved, so happy! I called hubby to tell him the news and he came with LM#2 straight away. We then had to wait for the midwife to officially sign us off.
I wasn’t expecting that I would have to do this, this time; but once again, I finally had that special moment of being able to take my baby home from the hospital.