Reflections on the year that was 2014

It’s the end of the year 2014 and a time to reflect on how it has been. Like years past, it has had its fair share of ups & downs but I have kept on battling through with the help of my husband and a few friends who have been there through it all. I’ve also said goodbye to some ‘friends’ at this latter part of the year and although I’m still in the depths of doom, it’s actually helped towards me feeling better. 

We started January by realising that this was the year we were actually going to become parents again to a new little life! Little man J also started nursery and though it was a tough start for both of us, he has grown to love it now.

In February we decided to move J to a big bed in preparation for actually getting him to sleep in his own bed before baby arrived. It went pretty much without a hitch! It was also my due month although we weren’t holding out much hope for a February baby – it would have been wonderful if baby had arrived on the 26th, which is my mother-in-law’s birthday and also our first one without her. That didn’t happen, but on the last day of the month I went into labour and tweeted all of the way through it – the support and encouragement was amazing!

The first day of March and our new addition, N, finally made his appearance only one day late (though just a couple of hours earlier and he would have been bang on time) and I became a Mummy of two under two! I also got my much wanted home birth which was the most amazing experience ever. I struggled through the whole month with breastfeeding though; it may seem trivial to some but after my guilt with J it was one of the hardest times of my life. J also turned two years old and my goodness did the “terrible two’s” really begin.

Other than us all still adjusting to being a family of four, April was a fairly quiet month for us. I think the most exciting thing that happened this month was taking delivery of a lovely new KUB cot that I won, which was very welcome as we still hadn’t got around to getting one for N!

In May we started our summer adventures and J started to become accustomed to N with them sharing some really precious moments together. We also had our very first “parents evening” at J’s nursery and other than a bit of trouble with his behaviour towards other children (which we managed to work on) he was doing brilliantly and has come on so much since starting.

June was when this year started to become really tough and depression began to rear its ugly head again. I suffered a bit of breastfeeding guilt again but came out the other side this time, but unfortunately my depression didn’t ‘just disappear’. We also took the decision of no more babies for the very foreseeable future (even writing this now I still stand by it!).

July was a bit of a mixed month. It was exciting with my very first VIP blogging invitation to the opening of the Stockeld Park Summer Adventure at which we had a fantastic time, and I met the lovely Vicki from Honest Mum (I’m still jealous of your hair, hehe!). This month though I started having doubts about my blog and was constantly comparing it to others. I re-evaluated what I wanted from my blog, and I hope that 2015 will take it to the next level. The end of the month was a little sombre with it being the one year anniversary of losing my mother-in-law.

In August we took the step of starting to potty train little man J. Needless to say, it didn’t go very well and we still haven’t gotten very far! Maybe 2015 and three years old will be the year?… I also started my weight loss again which also hasn’t gone very well after falling into a major bout of depression – maybe 2015 will be the year for that also?! We did start the end of the month with our first holiday as a family of four though, along with my brother-and-father-in-law.

September saw us continue our holiday, though by the end I was glad that it was over with! I also realised that N had to actually grow up and couldn’t stay a baby forever, when we started weaning him – sad Mummy as the realisation dawned that my baby boy wouldn’t be a baby for much longer!

October was set to be an eventful month with me booked to do a charity skydive, but then due to weather conditions and then me being poorly, it didn’t go ahead. With my mental health suffering too, I will hopefully now be doing it next year. It was still an eventful month though with me falling to the lowest point I have ever been when depressed. Thinking about it now still upsets me, and even now I still feel the same some days. It was also when my weight loss crashed into a brick wall.

November saw me starting to take antidepressants again – though I have had no shame this time and I am not afraid to talk about it. We also held N’s rainbow themed Naming Day which I stressed out about a heck of a lot, but it (mostly) went without a hitch in the end and he looked beautiful. Regarding my depression & anxiety, it also made me realise the true worth of friendship and begin to re-evaluate there too. Through the tough times I discovered who really did care. Christmas started early this year though and we started our adventures this month!

Other than it being the two year anniversary of my miscarriage, December was a fun filled month with the arrival of our Elf. We also had a few Christmas outings and of course Christmas preparations helped keep me busy and my mind elsewhere, though I did have another breakdown. The very end of the year has had me questioning whether I can make it through another one – I have to, somehow.

What have been your highs & lows of 2014?

Reflections on the year that was 2013

It’s that time of the year again where I reflect on what has happened over the past year – 2013. It has been quite a year with its fair share of ups & downs. Last year I said I felt like I came out a weaker person than the previous year, but this year after everything that has happened I feel stronger once again. Once more I want to thank my friends & family who have been there for me through the tough times, and the good of course. 

January started with little man coming down with a viral infection – the first of many times of him being ill this year! I started taking antidepressants (which I am not in the slightest ashamed about) and I also welcomed the arrival of my first post-miscarriage cycle which meant we could start thinking about TTC again.

In February I proceeded to have more counselling which was a welcome relief after the miscarriage and spiraling further into depression again. We also celebrated my mother-in-law’s 60th birthday, which was also to sadly be her last. 

In March I celebrated my very first long awaited Mother’s Day (after missing out by one day when little man made his appearance!). I also continued with my counselling and it really helped me on the way to becoming ‘me’ again. And the highlight of the month, little man’s 1st birthday! 

April saw yet more illness for little man with an ear infection, a very bad reaction to his MMR jabs, gastroenteritis, and then a chest infection & virus! It was a terrible month for him, and of course me as his Mummy seeing him ill so much. At the end of the month I started my first charity challenge of the year, Live Below The Line! 

May was a month for charity as the first week saw me continue the Live Below The Line challenge. I also then completed my first ever Race for Life! After this I also restarted on my weight loss journey after being so up & down with it. And I also became a fundraising coordinator for Saying Goodbye. 

June was a difficult month to start with as it should have been the month we welcomed our little angel. Our little man hit a milestone when he finally started walking after months of cruising about! And then we discovered I was pregnant again, just before our due date – I truly believe it was a gift sent to us from our angel. 

July was a month of firsts. Little mans first injury related trip to A&E, and we saw our little berry for the first time too! Unfortunately we had an awful end to the month when we were told that my mother in law was nearing the end of her life and she had a matter of days, or even hours, left. 

August saw another first for little man – his first haircut! I also held my fundraising event for Saying Goodbye. This month though we also lost my beloved Mother in Law, and then the week after we lost my Grandad too. And then there were their funerals. We hoped that this was our lot for this year, after also losing my Uncle at the beginning of the year – all to the horrible ‘c’ word. 

September was a fairly quiet month for us, but we had our holiday to Wales at the end of the month. 

In October I celebrated my birthday, and I also reached the halfway mark of my pregnancy. We attended my cousin’s amazing wedding which was a big up after the many downs of the year.

November saw me reach the “V-Day” for my pregnancy. But I also ended up with my annual winter cold which made me feel like death! 

And finally, December. It was quite a sombre start to the month, what with it being the 1st anniversary of losing our angel. After that significant date had passed, we started with our Christmas celebrations. We had a fairly busy Christmas period being out & about at families homes, so we’re going to have a quiet New Year. 

So, that was the year that was 2013, with all of its highs & lows. 

What have been your highs & lows of the past year? 

Reflections on the year that was 2012

So once again I’m going to reflect on the past year, and once again it has been a year of ups & downs. Of course I expected it to be mainly full of ups, I never ever expected the downs that have happened. I read on my 2011 post that last year made me a stronger person, this year I feel like a weaker one. I want to thank my friends, in real and virtual life, for helping me through those hard times, I plan on thanking you individually but you should know who you are. So here goes…

January was the month I made resolutions (as usual) and didn’t stick to many of them (as usual!). I also celebrated a whole year of blogging, and can’t quite believe I’ve been blogging for  almost 2 years now. I hope to make my blog grow a little more next year. We also laid my Nan to rest so it was a bit of a sad end to the month for me, I just wish she was able to have met the little man. 

February was quite a good month. We had a bump shoot, and I had my baby shower. But then at the end of the month I slipped in heavy snow, not good when very heavily pregnant! I put my back out and it hasn’t been the same since! 

And of course March was an eventful month with the arrival of the little guy! The best month of the year. Though the beginning, before his arrival, consisted of hospital visits and lots of long walks! 

April was quite uneventful, mainly settling into life as Mummy. But it also brought the onset of breastfeeding guilt and PND & anxiety to follow… Little man also went to his first family gathering! 

May was also quite uneventful, but also the month where I discovered my body had reset itself, with a natural OV and the return of AF!

June was a good month! We went to two weddings, one of which I was a bridesmaid, and I loved it! It was great to see one of my oldest friends getting married, and to be a special part of it. I also joined a gym with hubby, that didn’t last long though, oops… We also went to see the Olympic torch, what a fab experience, and one I can show little man when he’s older! 

July was a bit of a mixed bag. It brought with it the battle with PND & anxiety. The start of counselling. But I discovered Foodie Penpals, and also went for a fab weekend away to London with hubby, from a comp win earlier in the year! 

August was not too bad, I suppose. We moved. And I also had the excitement of writing a guest blog for Wriggly Rascals!

In September, we had little man’s Naming Day, at which he was very spoiled and a very good boy, and we had a lovely but tiring day! Though his oddparents couldn’t make it, as his oddmummy was in labour! Eek! 

In October we had our first family holiday to Scotland, which we loved, and it was amazing finally going as a family after all the years we’ve been going by ourself. It also brought the arrival of our Goddaughter, we were absolutely delighted to be asked! We also unknowingly naturally conceived, and then got our BFP…

In November I didn’t blog much as I was pregnant but didn’t want it public yet, and it was the month when I had a bleeding scare and went for an early scan, everything was fine but the worst was to follow…

And in December we lost our precious little bean and started a spiral into depression again. The worst month of the year. I can’t wait for a few hours when it is all over and we can start afresh. 

And once again I end with a R.I.P, to our little bean, always in our hearts x

Reflections on the year that was 2011

So, here it is, 2011 is finally coming to an end. I have to say it has been a year of a huge mixture of emotions, ups & downs, highs & lows for me. But all of these have made me a stronger person. I also want to thank my amazing friends for me getting me through the hardest of times, I will be forever grateful. So follows a (not so, now I’ve read it back) brief run down and reflections on the year that was 2011…

January was the month I started blogging about my experience/s, and I’m extremely glad I did now. It was when the first of a long string of babies/BFP’s started arriving. I was of course absolutely distraught as usual, even though I knew the babies were coming and of course expecting there to be some BFP’s. It was even worse for me at the beginning of the year because it was our 2 year anniversary of starting TTC. Add to this the fact that my HSG kept getting put back, in turn putting our FC appointments back, making our process even longer.

February was a month when I was really struggling with my weight loss and just wondering why I could not do it, when everyone else could. I suppose all the stress of the FC/tests didn’t help much. I pushed through with encouragement from my friends and managed to get my head-space regarding weight back, and get back on track. I also finally had my HSG, which was an experience! I also had a mini breakdown from a LOT of BFP’s being announced, which was just horrible. 

March was a fairly happy month (better than the last two anyway), firstly regarding my weight loss, I finally reached the BMI bracket of being overweight! I was extremely happy as it was a huge achievement for me after being obese for so long, and the minimum goal I needed for fertility treatment to go ahead! Also, we finally had our appointment where we actually saw the consultant to discuss the treatment to be had, which was clomid to start with, as I was finally diagnosed with having PCOS. 

In April, I seemed to be quite up and down, especially with my emotions. It was also the month I started on my first round of clomid, after AF finally showed up after the last one in February! That was an experience too, just like the HSG… Also, cue more BFP announcements and my emotions in turmoil…

In May, one of hubby’s work friends announced him & his girlfriend were expecting a baby after only about 9 months into the relationship, and of course it was an accident! This absolutely destroyed me, and at this point I felt like giving up. Also, cue more BFP’s from friends, some even on their 2nd in the time we had been trying…

 June cued another spate of BFP’s and babies, after me getting numerous BFN’s. But AF finally turned up, meaning I could get started on my 2nd round of clomid, after it being upped to 100mg by our consultant at our appointment at the end of May. This cycle was even more horrendous than the last! But it seemed to mean it was doing something worthwhile in my body…

…As in July, we finally got our long awaited BFP! This was definitely a happy month, if not also a slightly sad one for me, because I felt guilty that some of my friends were still awaiting their precious BFP’s, and very sad for some of my friends because they knew I had got mine. I decided I would tell them in advance so it wasn’t such a shock when I announced it ‘publicly’. Although they were over the moon for me, I just knew deep inside they were heartbroken, as I had been many times before.

For the main of August (and pretty much all of July come to that, as we got our BFP at the beginning), it was a giddy month, having to keep it quiet until our scan. It was such a relief when we could finally reveal it to everyone! Needless to say, those that didn’t know were absolutely over the moon, I think it was as much a shock to them as it was to me! When I revealed on the forum, there were people in tears, the same happened again here, which made me cry even more! The scan was one of the best moments of my life, getting to see our precious little life jumping about on the screen. I also noticed a teeny bump forming this month, and we decided we would be using cloth nappies, so the buying commenced! 

September was quite an eventful month! It was PCOS Awareness Month, which brought me to write a couple of posts to spread awareness of PCOS, as this is what I had been diagnosed with earlier in the year. My emotions were also up & down slightly this month, I think it was the start of the ‘pregnancy blues’, as I had absolutely no reason to be feeling down whatsoever, I just was, and then I felt worse because I felt guilty for feeling like that. Mid month we also had a scare, with me having a bit of bleeding. This was one of the worst & most tearful days of my life as I thought we were losing everything we had worked so hard for. But all was okay. Near the end of the month I felt the first flutters! 

It was my quarter century birthday in October, the last one before I will become a Mummy! It was a good month, we had a lovely holiday in Devon, but a birthday where I couldn’t drink alcohol was a bit strange! Of course I didn’t mind though in the slightest, it was all worth it. My emotions were up & down again this month too, and we reached the half way mark! We also discovered we are going to be having a little man – I’m going to be outnumbered!

November saw us reach ‘V Day’, the stage of viability, where little man would have a better chance of survival if he were to be born early. My bump also seemed to be expanding a lot! We also got to hear little mans heartbeat at my consultant appointment, that also has to be added to my list of most amazing moments. No matter how many times it’s heard, it never fails to amaze. 

In December, of course we were headed towards Christmas and this led to exhaustion once again, after I decided I would make gift hampers for 5 people, and it involved a heck of a lot of baking & tiredness throughout the month! We also reached double figures for little mans expected arrival! I had my GTT this month, and the results from that were fine so I was discharged from the consultant, meaning only midwife visits until baby’s arrival, unless I’m referred for anything in the meantime. Towards the end of the month was hard, as my Nan was in hospital and took a downward spiral, so we had a quite relaxed Christmas at my Mum’s. Unfortunately my Nan passed away on the 27th. Heartbreaking, but she is obviously making room for her great grandson to make his way into the world. 

R.I.P Nanna, always in our hearts x