FC tomorrow

Well we have our follow up FC appointment tomorrow, from the last one when we got clomid. That’s the one round done, maybe he thought both rounds would be gone before tomorrow but no! Still no sign of AF… Until this evening, there is a slight, slight bit of spotting. POAS again earlier and it was a BFN so hoping AF does arrive, what a coincidence that would be! 


Feeling slightly nervous that he may not even give us any more, as I don’t know if I have lost enough weight to be in his good books, as he didn”t actually tell me how much he wanted me to lose. He never weighed me at the last appt. though, I haven’t been weighed since our first one in October of last year. I have lost around a stone (14 lbs ish) since then though, so hopefully he will be happy. 

In other news, a couple more people I have discovered are pregnant (some with their 2nd in the time we’ve been trying). It’s just never ending, and I often sit wondering if it will ever be our turn. 

Things

Haven’t posted for a couple of weeks so thought I’d post a general update.


Not much has changed with me really, still on the TWW which is turning into a 3WW, 4WW… I’m feeling pretty yucky today – feel sick, headache, dizzy, just generally meh, but I very much doubt it’s anything to do with a BFP now, after the last 3 or 4 tests I did, a couple of days apart with each. Too late to test today anyway, will have to wait until the morning now…


Been feeling slightly down again the last few days, after hubby told me that his work friend is going to be a Dad after him & his girlfriend had an ‘accident’ after only about 9 months! πŸ™ They don’t live together, they stay at each others parents houses every week, he works, she’s at college! Fair enough I don’t work at the minute, but my husband does, we have our own place, all ready to just welcome a baby into the world, after over 2 long, hard years already! I even said to hubby maybe we should just give up and DTD whenever wherever and just try and have an accident, but well, we know it doesn’t work like that for us πŸ™ I may have seemed okay on the outside recently, but inside, I am hurting SO bad! 


Our follow up FC appointment is in just under 2 weeks, I have lost hardly any weight since our last one (although I wasn’t weighed then, I was at our first one in October and have lost about a stone (14lbs) ish since then, so hopefully it will show) even though I have been working damn hard (okay, maybe a couple of slip ups), I’m scared the consultant is going to be very annoyed at me and not give us any more clomid, everything is just getting on top of me and I can’t take it πŸ™


Oh well, life goes on…

And another one bites the dust…

Yep, another pregnancy announcement. I had a really funny feeling the person was though, so it wasn’t SO much of a shock, but still. I am trying to be happy, well, I am happy for them, but I just wish it was my turn already. 


I’ve lost count of how many people have announced pregnancies in the 26 months we’ve been trying, I don’t really want to count though, it’s just too depressing. I was feeling quite chirpy today, but now I’ve kind of gone downhill again, a little. So glad I’ve exercised already otherwise I just know I wouldn’t want to. The slightest little thing like this just makes me want to sit on the sofa and cry and feel sorry for myself, it is so so hard to pick yourself up again and carry on, but I’m trying, I really am. Now just excuse me while I go away and cry…


(I did say congratulations though, that’s a big step for me if you have read my previous blogs…)

Being Told

Recently there are SO many people announcing their pregnancies – in my opinion I think people need to find something else to do around Christmas time, funny how they’re all due in September! ;P – a few of these though, have thought it ‘best’ to tell me before announcing it ‘publicly’ (i.e. on facebook). 


I suppose it’s so that it’s not so much of a shock and disappointment to me when they do it, and I am so grateful that my friends care about me enough to do this, but at the same time I don’t want them to feel like it’s their duty to do it, when I should be happy for them anyway (which I am) and not be so disappointed. 


I think I’ve improved lately in controlling my feelings with announcements and such, although I’m still having my up & down days.


I just want to be able to tell MY friends that I’M pregnant, that’s all I want. 

Breakdown

I think last night I had a breakdown that was a long time coming. I think I’ve been strong and holding everything in for too long. I’ve tried to do the being happy thing, smiling through it, but deep down, I am slowly dying inside, and hurting so bad. 


What set me off was the amount of people announcing pregnancies. I may have been able to cope, if it wasn’t for the alcohol consumption, or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows. (I get really emotional when I drink wine, and I’m what you would call a ‘lightweight’ as well). Yesterday was also a month until our FC visit when we found out my HSG results and basically where we go from there, which could shape the rest of our lives.


All this news hit me really hard. The final one just totally broke me, I felt like my world had come crashing down around me. I literally downed a glass of wine, no sipping here. I then just had to go and have a damn good cry. I just couldn’t stop. Paul came to comfort me, me crying that I couldn’t cope anymore, that I just couldn’t do it, and then he said the words you really don’t want to hear, especially form your husband! – “We can always adopt”… I mean, I’m in a such a state, and you come out with that?! Not that it will probably get to that point that we have to do that, I think he just didn’t know what to say to comfort me, as I was in the worst state I have ever been in.


Needless to say, I told him to just leave me alone and I cried some more. And more. And then I did something really stupid, which I have never even thought about before. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself sick. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel better. I kept trying and trying, about five times, but I just couldn’t. My throat was killing then, my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I then went back and cried some more. I eventually went downstairs and just held onto my husband, without him here, I don’t know what I would have done.