#TimeToTalk – Mental Health Awareness Week

There isn’t much I can write about mental health that I haven’t previously written in the blog, If you have followed my journey since I gave birth to J you will know that I suffered from post natal depression & anxiety. I went on to have counselling and antidepressants.

Ever since I fell pregnant with N I have been absolutely petrified that it would happen again after his birth.

I came off my antidepressants at 10 weeks pregnant with N so from then on I just had to cope on my own. I didn’t have to stop taking them, but I felt like I might be able to manage so under the GP’s advice I gradually cut them out.

I can say it hasn’t been at all easy. The pregnancy was hard what with constant worry after the miscarriage, add to that the feelings on becoming a Mummy of 2, and the tiredness. Oh, the tiredness.

Since N was born, I have had some really tough days. Baby blues they could have been, but they have felt just like the PND did with J.

They come & go though, so I have just put it down to tiredness, for now, and possibly baby blues.

But this time I know the signs.

I know what to look out for.

As it could still come.

I know when it’s time to talk.

I don’t feel ashamed.

Nobody should.

Speak out.

Get help.

Break the taboo.

World Mental Health Day 2013

Today, October 10th 2013, is World Mental Health Day.

It’s a time to talk. 

A time to change.

A time to let the stigma of talking about mental health run free. 

This year, they day focuses on mental health in older people. 

But everybody knows it’s not just older people that suffer from mental health.

Regular readers of my blog will know that I myself have suffered with mental health, and I chose to talk about it openly.

It is nothing to be ashamed of.

But too many people make others feel ashamed.

I have many friends and acquaintances who have suffered, and do suffer with mental health.

If it wasn’t for talking about it myself, I would never have known.

So talk.


It’s time.

Pregnancy with a toddler

When I was pregnant with little man, I wouldn’t say I found the pregnancy particularly easy, as I had absolutely no idea what to expect. But it was so much easier than this one. 

Again, when I was pregnant for the short time with our little angel, it wasn’t particularly easy; slightly harder than little man’s, but again, easier than this one. Little man was only 6 months old at the time and not even crawling, so I didn’t really have a lot of running around after him to do, and he napped more, so I could join him. 

This time, I am reluctant to admit, I am finding it so so hard. 

For starters, after my previous miscarriage, I have worried ever since we found out I was pregnant. This for one takes its toll on you, emotionally. And when you are emotional, it takes it out of you physically.

And not to mention the tiredness. I suffered really badly with tiredness with little man, but at the time I was working from home so I could nap when I wanted, which most days was early afternoon! I just can’t do that now, as little man rarely ever naps, apart from in the car. And only hubby drives, so it’s not like I can just take him out in the car and have a sleep with him! 

Which leads on to being at his beck and call. Obviously I don’t mind doing that, as it’s my job as his Mummy, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish he would just sit still for 10 minutes, or that someone could come and take him out so I can have a rest. I just really need to rest. 

Which, with no rest, makes me physically exhausted. And when I’m emotional and physically exhausted, this doesn’t make for a particularly nice Mummy or wife. Without pregnancy, I already have a short fuse, but with the hormones too, well, let’s not go there! I often have to leave both of them and go into another room for 5 minutes to get my composure back. 

To be honest, I think I may also still be in a depressive state of mind. There are thoughts I have which aren’t nice, and then I feel so bad afterwards when I feel in a better state of mind. Those who have suffered with depression will know what I mean. I have considered going back to my GP for happy pills, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk. But then I think, would I rather feel like this for the next 6 months? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’ve gone off on a tangent here haven’t I?

What I’m trying to say is, pregnancy with a toddler is SO. BLOODY. HARD. 

I don’t think I could do it again. 

I just don’t know how people do it more than once (or twice!).

I raise my hands and bow down to you.

When you feel depressed

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you feel paranoid, like everything everybody says to is out to hurt you, even though they’re only joking (you hope)?

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you just wish the world would stop turning, go away, leave you alone, you just want to be on your own?

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you just want to go to sleep, hide away, and wake up when it’s all over, when you feel better? 

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you start to hate everyone around you, snap at even the tiniest little thing, and then realise it’s not their fault?

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you think everybody hates you? Your husband hates you; your children hate you; just everybody.

When you’re feeling depressed…

…do you just cry at the tiniest little thing, even though it’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things?

When you’re feeling depressed…

…you just want to be better. 

I do. 

Nobody Said It Was Easy

Nobody said it was easy…

…when you can’t conceive and are diagnosed with some form of infertility.

Nobody said it was easy…

…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 

Nobody said it was easy…

…having to go through fertility treatment.

Nobody said it was easy…

…when you get that long awaited BFP and bleed and worry throughout.

Nobody said it was easy…

…to go through labour and birth.

Nobody said it was easy…

…to deal with post natal depression, and hating yourself and everyone around you.

Nobody said it was easy…

…falling pregnant whilst fighting post natal depression.

Nobody said it was easy…

…when you bleed again in this pregnancy.

Nobody said it was easy…

…when that bleeding comes to a loss.

Nobody said it was easy…

…seeing that loss on a screen.

Nobody said it was easy…

…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 

Nobody said it was easy…

…hearing of a family member’s impending arrival whilst still grieving from your loss.

Nobody said it was easy…

I wish it was, just for once.