#TimeToTalk Day – #Take5ToBlog

Today, February 5th, is #TimeToTalk Day. Time to #Take5 to talk about mental illness, to take that step to help end the stigma and taboo.

Regular blog readers will know that I have suffered from mental health issues myself so talking about it and raising awareness is something I am very passionate about. I’m going to share my 5 sentence mental health story; you can do the same using the following format, either over on the Time to Change Facebook page or in the blog comment box:

My name is Stacey and I have experienced depression, post natal depression, and anxiety. My mental illnesses have affected my life because I have lost a sense of being, a sense of belonging, a sense of acceptance; my anxiety has given me a loss of social life, and my depression has driven me to suicidal thoughts. My greatest source of support other than my husband who has been at my side when I needed him the most, has been my online community of friends; though social media can be awful at times (some of which has led to low points with my mental illnesses) it can also be really amazing knowing that even though someone isn’t physically there, they are still there no matter what. My hope for the future, for me, is that I will beat these horrible illnesses; for mental health in general, is that the stigma will one day be eradicated. I’m taking 5 on Time to Talk day because I am not ashamed; I am passionate.

Breakdown

Yesterday I had another breakdown.
I really didn’t see this one coming, it just came from nowhere.
Hubby was at work, the boys were playing, and I was sat nearby.
I had been feeling on edge all morning but that’s nothing unusual for nowadays so I didn’t think too much of it, really.
Over the space of a few minutes I just completely lost it. I cried. Floods and floods of tears.
Pacing up & down.
Trying so hard to stop myself…
I wanted to go back to this same place.
I was scared.
I couldn’t stop what was happening. 
But I was scared. For me. For my boys. For seeing Mummy like that. They should never have to see Mummy like that.
I sent hubby about 30 messages, and rang him, just begging for him to come home and save me.
It just felt like somebody else had completely taken over me.
That’s not normal, is it?
I’m not normal.
I’m in this big black hole, and I really really despise it.
I just want to climb out.
If only it was that simple.
I hate depression.
Eating away.
Destroying.
You can’t beat me though.
I will win.
One day.
Whenever that may be.

We’re going back to the start…

You may have seen last week that I had a huge breakdown and have fallen into the big black hole again.

Where you just can’t see the future in front of you. Sometimes you don’t want to see the future in front of you. Sounds harsh, but sometimes it’s oh so true – that’s what it does to you.

Anyway, I digress.

After the breakdown, we saw it was a cry for help and I made a doctors appointment. I knew what I was going for, and that was anti-depressants. I was adamant that I wanted them, and when she asked what I was there for, that was the first thing I said at the same time as bursting into tears. It was inevitable.

I was in there for ages. So many questions – just get on with it already and give me them. Please! She could see that I just wanted a prescription and to get out but it was kind of like background noise to me – I was zoning out.

I had to do the depression questionnaire again. I got a score of 19 which is classed as ‘moderately severe’. I had told her that I wanted to kill myself. But she didn’t think I needed AD’s. Counselling would do the job. (As well as other options to work through, e.g. getting out a bit more – easier said than done with sky high anxiety too).

I was jittery. I had counselling before and it did help, for a while. But I still had to go on AD’s afterwards. So I didn’t want to go through the same routine again. Easy option? Maybe. But right now, I will do anything.

She could tell I wanted them. Needed them? In the end she asked what I’d rather do. Well obviously, I said AD’s and I would try counselling as well too, alongside the other suggestions. So she gave me a prescription and she also gave me the number of the crisis team, just in case I ever feel like doing something like *that* again. I have to go back in a couple of weeks for a review. Obviously I’m not sure where I’ll be at right then.

I hate this.

I hate this, so much.

Crash & burn

I was hoping, praying, that this wouldn’t happen again.

That I wouldn’t suffer the same fate I did after J was born.

I’ve been hiding, trying to fight it myself for weeks now.

Nearing breaking point.

Today I snapped.

I reached it.

I don’t know what triggered it, it just happened.

From nowhere.

I decided that life would be better off without me.

My children, my husband, my family.

Selfish. I know I’m selfish.

But this illness, this horrible, debilitating, illness. Now that, that is even more selfish.

It doesn’t care.

It can control me.

But I couldn’t control it.

I care. I care about my family.

They care about me.

But sometimes, I think they won’t.

I am selfish for not caring about what happens to me.

And it makes me sad.

I looked at my children, and felt physical pain. Sadness.

My husband had to come home from work.

I slept.

I woke.

I didn’t want to.

I wanted the pain to just go away.

Emotional pain, that hurts just as much as physical pain.

It was a cry for help.

Which I should have seeked sooner, rather than fighting.

I can only be strong for so long.

I’m getting help.

With help, I will fight.

You will not beat me.

I will win.

World Mental Health Day 2014 #TimeToTalk

Today, the 10th of October 2014, marks World Mental Health Day.

Why is mental health still such a stigma?

Chances are you know at least one person who has mental health issues, but you may not actually know because they are ashamed to talk about it.

The recent death of the much loved Robin Williams caused everyone to start talking about it, but why should it take for somebody – anybody – to die, in order to start talking?

The post I wrote last year I did so with ease; I wrote it because even though I wasn’t suffering at that time, I wanted people to talk.

This post, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with.

Recently I’ve been having some pretty low days.

I haven’t posted about it here yet as I’m trying to cope. I’m trying to battle.

I have been talking though. Talking to friends.

I may talk about it openly again on here soon.

But for now, I just want to tell you, if you are reading this and you think you may be depressed, or suffering anxiety, anything to do with your mental health, then please…

…talk.

It’s time to change.

It’s time to talk.

It’s time to end mental health discrimination.

By clicking here, you can make your pledge to help end mental health stigma.