I’m broken again

Yep. I’m broken again. 


It’s taking me right back to pre-little man times when I had awfully long heavy periods, and it’s bringing back so many hard memories. 


I know having a miscarriage can mess with your cycles. I was bleeding/spotting pretty much every day from the miscarriage to my first AF with the exception of around 2 weeks, so for around 5 weeks. I expected that. Then AF arrived mid/end of January, and I had a 28 day cycle, which I had never had before! “Great”, I thought, getting back to ‘normal’.


Until this cycle. I have now been bleeding for 18 days straight; really heavy for the last week and a half, which is just what I was like back then. 


So I’ve been to the doctors today. It was originally for more anti-depressants, which I’ve been given, but I thought whilst I was there that I would mention about this too. The GP has given me a prescription for tablets to stop the bleeding (which is why I mentioned it, as I’ve had them before). She asked if I’ve had any previous history of heavy bleeding/long cycles, so I told her, and she was writing a lot…


I know I’m so very lucky to have been able to conceive with the help of clomid, and then naturally (though that obviously didn’t end in great circumstances), but now I just feel like a freak again.


Sigh.

Counselling – take 3

On Friday I went for another counselling session.  For some reason I was nervous again before going in; I think this was because I was seeing a different person to whom I saw last year. This time it was a female, but I had no reason to be nervous as she was lovely and made me feel at ease straight away. 


We mainly discussed the miscarriage and how I had been feeling since then, as I think it’s what triggered most of the old feelings again. I was surprised that she didn’t know the statistics – that 1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage at some point; she sounded surprised when I told her. 


She was also surprised that the GP had only given me a month’s worth of anti-depressants as they take a few weeks to start working as it is! I had to go back to the GP for a review after I had finished this course and had the counselling anyway, but she suggested that I should need them for at least another 6 months. (Not that I want to go back to her, after what she said to me when I went the first time (that I am very lucky to have a baby already, some people struggle and would do anything for a baby – yes I know, I’ve been there! She said this to me even after I’d told her that, bearing in mind I was still grieving too!). I may have to see someone else).


Obviously I don’t want to share everything we spoke about but I feel the session helped me, talking to someone I don’t know personally. I was also given some homework which I have to take back next time. We concluded that little man & I need more structure in our day, as we do the same thing from day to day (not a lot!) which makes me just go over & over things in my head. So I have a couple of sheets to fill in and write a plan of what we are going to do, and this will help me rather than me saying that I keep meaning to, but never get around to it…


We’ve already made a little progress and have started going to the park, just to get out of the house when I’m feeling a little stressed! 


(And I’m still planning his birthday party!).

Finally!… Post miscarriage first cycle

After my miscarriage I bled for a week and a half. This was expected, and I was glad when it finally stopped, as it was just a constant reminder of what I had lost. Of course I then had to wait for the arrival of my next AF, which the sonographer and nurse told me it could be in the next 4-6 weeks from mc. So I was surprised when on Xmas Eve I started spotting again (thanks Santa!). I thought it was the arrival of AF pending, but nope… 


I’ve been waiting day after day for a ‘proper’ bleed indicating AF, which I was told would most likely be painful and heavy as I had a bit of baby left and obviously it would need to come out. (Jeez, even writing that is bringing a tear to my eye…) Well four weeks after spotting started, it finally ‘turned’! And now a week later it has finally stopped. This is the first day in 5 weeks I haven’t spotted/bled.


So since my miscarriage, I have spotted/bled for nearly 7 weeks in total! Though I am used to it, as it’s what used to happen before we started fertility treatment, but it has still been rather annoying. Though it wasn’t that heavy really, and only a little more painful than usual. But then, I never had any pain with my miscarriage either. 


So now I’ve finally had my first post-mc AF, I can concentrate on figuring out my cycles again. We don’t know when we’re going to ttc again yet, but I like to know where I’m at. 

Jealousy

I never imagined I would be in this situation ever again. Being jealous of pregnancies. 


Miscarriage, now I unfortunately know first hand, is one of those situations, like infertility, where you just cannot control your feelings, and really don’t know how it feels, until it happens to you. Before mine happened, when a friend or a lady on the forum had a miscarriage, I would feel sad for them, and all I could say was ‘I’m sorry’, but I didn’t really know how they felt. But now I do. It’s heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, devastating, soul destroying. Some may say, “it wasn’t even a baby”, many doctors refer to it as cells; but to a mummy-to-be, as soon as you see that positive line, it is a baby in your heart and you feel that love straight away. It is an actual life, lost. 


For me, it’s also brought back those old feelings of jealousy, when people talk about their pregnancies, or I see a bump, I feel that pang of jealousy, and wish it was me. So desperately. It should be me. By now I should be 14 weeks pregnant, and have a little bump forming. I would  probably be feeling the baby move soon too. 


The difference is, the rational part of my brain is in gear now, and I know it is not other people’s fault, it’s not my fault, it’s normal. It’s normal to feel like this when you have lost a baby. 


I just want that feeling to go away. It is pulling me down again. I feel so sad, depressed. I’m constantly putting my brave face on. Online and offline. I just feel empty, lost. 


I just want to be me again. 


Discharged

I went for my follow up scan this morning, after there was still a bit of tissue left from the miscarriage. 


I’m glad I chose an early appointment as the nurse suggested, as there was only one other person there (also for the EPU I think) and they were obviously running on time so I was seen straight away (though we waiting outside in the cold for 5 minutes as no-one had turned up in reception yet). The nurse called me through and just asked about my bleeding and if I’d had any pain, my bleeding actually stopped last Wednesday/Thursday and I’ve had no further pain. 


I was then called in for the scan, I’m glad she asked if I wanted the screen on or off, if it had been on I think I would have cried, though I would have probably asked her to turn it off anyway or just not looked. She couldn’t see my womb lining clear enough to look for any small bits of tissue, so I had to go empty my bladder and have an internal. I’ve always dreaded having an internal (for whatever reason) but it was fine! She asked if I’d ever had one and I said “No, but I’ve had a HSG”, she said “Oh it isn’t as bad as that!”. So she carried it out, she said she could still see a tiny bit, less than a cm, left at the top, so it would most likely come away with my next period in the next 4-6 weeks which would be heavy, but she would speak to the nurse.


The nurse also said the same thing, that I should be fine, and if I got any pain or further bleeding then to go to the GP. So I have been discharged from the EPU, I can just ‘get on’ now without worrying. 


(Also thanks to my lovely friend for taking me as hubby had to work.)