Remembering Our Little Bean

Today is the day I’ve been dreading for months.

Our little angel bean’s due date.


We should have been holding our new baby, any day now. 


Instead, he or she has sent us a precious gift. (Thank you).


We have celebrated our little bean today though. 


We were going to have a picnic, but of course it rained. So we had one inside, instead. 



Little man seemed to enjoy it, he didn’t know what to eat first. So he had a bit of everything, all at once. 




At dinner, we lit a candle for bean. We will do this on every anniversary of the day they left us, and the day they should have arrived. 


Our little bean, you will be always in our hearts and memories. We will never forget you x 

This month…

…I should have reached full term, in one weeks time.


…I should have reached my due date, in four weeks time. 


…I should (possibly) have been experiencing labour.


…I should have been experiencing the amazing challenge of giving birth again.


…I should have been giving breastfeeding another shot, and been determined to succeed.


…I should have been bringing my new baby home.


…I should have been introducing little man to his new sibling.


Instead I will cry. Cry many tears for my little angel, and celebrate their short life they had inside me.


…I should have been…


…But it wasn’t meant to be.


…Maybe soon.


…Maybe. 

Saying Goodbye

I first came across Saying Goodbye at the end of last year, not long after I miscarried. Saying Goodbye are part of The Mariposa Trust (whose other division is Growing You – aiming to support those who are pregnant following the loss of a baby). The Mariposa Trust was founded by Zoe & Andy Clark-Coates who have suffered 5 miscarriages, but are now blessed with two precious girls. Saying Goodbye offers international support to those who have lost babies at any stage of pregnancy, at birth, or in early years. They also hold remembrance services at Ministers & Cathedrals. I haven’t been to one of the services yet as they are a little far away for me, but I hope to in the future. 


When I saw at the weekend on their Facebook page that they were looking for fundraising volunteers to join their team, I jumped at the chance. For one reason, that lately I have discovered a great joy in fundraising and helping others, and secondly, they have helped me so much with my emotions since my miscarriage. I recommend visiting their website and social media sites if you have ever suffered baby loss, or even know somebody who has.


I am so proud to be a part of such a great team and can’t wait to get planning and fundraising to raise money for such a fantastic cause. Look out for updates on my fundraising activities after they have taken place! I already have a couple of ideas in mind…


Nobody Said It Was Easy

Nobody said it was easy…


…when you can’t conceive and are diagnosed with some form of infertility.


Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 


Nobody said it was easy…


…having to go through fertility treatment.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when you get that long awaited BFP and bleed and worry throughout.


Nobody said it was easy…


…to go through labour and birth.


Nobody said it was easy…


…to deal with post natal depression, and hating yourself and everyone around you.


Nobody said it was easy…


…falling pregnant whilst fighting post natal depression.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when you bleed again in this pregnancy.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when that bleeding comes to a loss.


Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing that loss on a screen.

Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 

Nobody said it was easy…


…hearing of a family member’s impending arrival whilst still grieving from your loss.


Nobody said it was easy…


I wish it was, just for once.