Dread

I dread that I’m never going to be able to enjoy my baby fully. I feel like that has been taken away, and feel like there is no end in sight right now.

I dread waking up some days because I find it hard to cope when he’s having a mega grumpy day, because he won’t sleep. Though being a Mummy, coping should come naturally, but it doesn’t seem to happen with me. 


I dread that I’m never going to get over my guilty feelings and they’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.


I dread that I’m never going to want to add to our family now, as how will I be able to cope with two children when I can’t even cope with one?


I asked to be a Mummy, but I did not ask for this. 


Though, is this what’s to be expected from everyone, or am I just being hard on myself?


I’m such a strong person usually, that all of this is making me feel like I’m failing.


Fail.


Such a bad word. Especially when related to parenting.


I wish I could get out of the mindset and erase the word from my life forever. 

Counselling – take 1

The week before last I went for my counselling session which my doctor recommended me to do. I was extremely nervous as I thought the counsellor (Jamie) would think I was being silly and to tell me to stop being stupid. Obviously that wouldn’t have been the case, but you know…


As it was, as soon as I went in I felt really at ease as he was such a nice guy. Though I felt at ease with him, I still really didn’t want to talk about what was going on and my feelings, as I felt silly. Once again I had to do the depression questionnaire – for the 3rd time – it was pretty similar, if not ‘worse’, than when I did it the 2nd time with the doctor. 


We discussed quite a lot, what we had been through before & since little man arrived, and how I was coping. Some of the things we discussed I haven’t even told my closest friends, so I must have felt pretty comfortable talking to someone I don’t know. 


I was in there for around 45 minutes, and from the session, he came to the conclusion that I am also suffering anxiety/low self-confidence & stress. I feel like quite the full package, me! I am a lemonade bottle that has been shaken up, and I always think burglar rather than cat flap. I’ll leave you to think on those ones. Love the analogies though. 


He gave me some things to work on, and a website to look at to help me. I’m going to see him again next month to see how I’m doing. I do already feel that the session has helped me slightly,  I’m still having bad days, but slightly more good than bad, which is the opposite of right before my counselling session. 


I even went to baby clinic and socialised again! I feel very proud of myself! One of the family support workers is coming to do baby massage with us tomorrow, so hopefully I will feel confident to go to the weekly group sessions afterwards. 



Signed, the little man

Hello growned-ups.


My Mummy said I have to write to you as I haven’t done it since I was a couple of weeks old, and I’m nearly 4 months now. Well I haven’t had the time, I’ve been busy keeping her busy. I’m sure my Mummy has been keeping you updated with my progress so I won’t bore you with all that. She keeps calling me a greedy little chunk, I don’t know why. I only want 8oz of milk every 3 hours (maybe 4 hours on a lazy day when I can’t be bothered). But it’s doing me good because I’ve more than doubled my birthday weight now. 


One of my favourite things to do at the minute is what my Mummy keeps calling the back shuffle. It’s where I lift my back up and shuffle backwards with my bum. I like it because it’s funny at nappy changing time as Mummy can’t keep me still and calls me a little monkey. I discovered my proper giggle the other day too when Mummy took me to play with the other babies and I was laughing at the older ones throwing things around. Now I do it all the time as Daddy thinks it’s cute so he makes funny faces at me. I’m laughing at him, not with him. Silly Daddy. 


My mouth hurts a lot lately. Mummy keeps saying it’s teefies or something. I don’t know what that is but I wish it would go away. I just stick my hand in my mouth and it helps a bit. Mummy keeps trying to put stuff on my gums too which makes me chomp at her. I think it’s something to do with the teefies and the pain. I wonder what I can do when I do have teefies? 


My Mummy hasn’t been herself lately which upsets me. I hope it’s not my fault why she’s upset. Her & Daddy have been arguing too which isn’t nice. I don’t blame Mummy though. She says it’s the nasty depression gremlins. I don’t know what that is but I hope they go away soon so I get my Mummy back. I giggle and smile and talk at her. It makes her smile a bit. 


I’m typing this from my bed and Mummy & Daddy say I really must go to sleep now, so I better do. But I’m only going to pretend and give them false hope as they let that nasty woman stab me three times today. Oh well, no more for a few months now.


I might write again soon.


Lots of slobbery kisses from the little man. 


xxxx

A new journey

A new journey.


One which every new mum hopes they won’t have to face.


It eats you from the inside.


It takes over your brain.


It makes you think things you shouldn’t be thinking.


It wears you down.


Post natal depression.


I first knew I was suffering when my health visitor did the PND questionnaire at my 8 week visit. I got a score indicating mild PND.


I then did it again with the doctor at my post natal check up at 12 weeks. I got a score indicating moderate PND.


Over the last few days I have felt awful, horrid, I really dislike myself right now. I haven’t cried this much since we were trying to conceive. It’s just gotten like this out of nowhere, I don’t know what triggered it. I’m still suffering some of that breastfeeding guilt too. 


I hate feeling like this.


I will fight it. 


However long it takes, I will lock those depression gremlins away never to be seen again.


I hope.