Losing trust

When my mental health is like it is at the minute, I find paranoia really brings itself to the forefront (social media doesn’t help this, but we’re so dependent on it nowadays – especially for bloggers).

Hand in hand with feeling like I’m not good enough and am always doing something wrong, it’s not a great pairing.

Today has been a day where I wonder who I really can trust.

You see things, hear things, from people you thought were good friends.

Banter between people. One of them who you have already lost trust in, anyway.

It could be innocent, but those demons in my head tell me different.

Is that me?

Have I done something wrong?

Do people really dislike me that much?

Should I just disappear?

Maybe it would be better.

I wouldn’t need to be thought of, or discussed, then.

Maybe only in sadness and grief.

From a select few people, that is.

I wouldn’t need to think these thoughts myself.

Go away paranoia, go away loss of self-worth.

Go away, depression.

But the loss of trust, that can stay.

I don’t know who to trust nowadays.

I just don’t.

We’re going back to the start…

You may have seen last week that I had a huge breakdown and have fallen into the big black hole again.

Where you just can’t see the future in front of you. Sometimes you don’t want to see the future in front of you. Sounds harsh, but sometimes it’s oh so true – that’s what it does to you.

Anyway, I digress.

After the breakdown, we saw it was a cry for help and I made a doctors appointment. I knew what I was going for, and that was anti-depressants. I was adamant that I wanted them, and when she asked what I was there for, that was the first thing I said at the same time as bursting into tears. It was inevitable.

I was in there for ages. So many questions – just get on with it already and give me them. Please! She could see that I just wanted a prescription and to get out but it was kind of like background noise to me – I was zoning out.

I had to do the depression questionnaire again. I got a score of 19 which is classed as ‘moderately severe’. I had told her that I wanted to kill myself. But she didn’t think I needed AD’s. Counselling would do the job. (As well as other options to work through, e.g. getting out a bit more – easier said than done with sky high anxiety too).

I was jittery. I had counselling before and it did help, for a while. But I still had to go on AD’s afterwards. So I didn’t want to go through the same routine again. Easy option? Maybe. But right now, I will do anything.

She could tell I wanted them. Needed them? In the end she asked what I’d rather do. Well obviously, I said AD’s and I would try counselling as well too, alongside the other suggestions. So she gave me a prescription and she also gave me the number of the crisis team, just in case I ever feel like doing something like *that* again. I have to go back in a couple of weeks for a review. Obviously I’m not sure where I’ll be at right then.

I hate this.

I hate this, so much.

World Mental Health Day 2014 #TimeToTalk

Today, the 10th of October 2014, marks World Mental Health Day.

Why is mental health still such a stigma?

Chances are you know at least one person who has mental health issues, but you may not actually know because they are ashamed to talk about it.

The recent death of the much loved Robin Williams caused everyone to start talking about it, but why should it take for somebody – anybody – to die, in order to start talking?

The post I wrote last year I did so with ease; I wrote it because even though I wasn’t suffering at that time, I wanted people to talk.

This post, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with.

Recently I’ve been having some pretty low days.

I haven’t posted about it here yet as I’m trying to cope. I’m trying to battle.

I have been talking though. Talking to friends.

I may talk about it openly again on here soon.

But for now, I just want to tell you, if you are reading this and you think you may be depressed, or suffering anxiety, anything to do with your mental health, then please…


It’s time to change.

It’s time to talk.

It’s time to end mental health discrimination.

By clicking here, you can make your pledge to help end mental health stigma. 

#TimeToTalk – Mental Health Awareness Week

There isn’t much I can write about mental health that I haven’t previously written in the blog, If you have followed my journey since I gave birth to J you will know that I suffered from post natal depression & anxiety. I went on to have counselling and antidepressants.

Ever since I fell pregnant with N I have been absolutely petrified that it would happen again after his birth.

I came off my antidepressants at 10 weeks pregnant with N so from then on I just had to cope on my own. I didn’t have to stop taking them, but I felt like I might be able to manage so under the GP’s advice I gradually cut them out.

I can say it hasn’t been at all easy. The pregnancy was hard what with constant worry after the miscarriage, add to that the feelings on becoming a Mummy of 2, and the tiredness. Oh, the tiredness.

Since N was born, I have had some really tough days. Baby blues they could have been, but they have felt just like the PND did with J.

They come & go though, so I have just put it down to tiredness, for now, and possibly baby blues.

But this time I know the signs.

I know what to look out for.

As it could still come.

I know when it’s time to talk.

I don’t feel ashamed.

Nobody should.

Speak out.

Get help.

Break the taboo.

Reflections on the year that was 2013

It’s that time of the year again where I reflect on what has happened over the past year – 2013. It has been quite a year with its fair share of ups & downs. Last year I said I felt like I came out a weaker person than the previous year, but this year after everything that has happened I feel stronger once again. Once more I want to thank my friends & family who have been there for me through the tough times, and the good of course. 

January started with little man coming down with a viral infection – the first of many times of him being ill this year! I started taking antidepressants (which I am not in the slightest ashamed about) and I also welcomed the arrival of my first post-miscarriage cycle which meant we could start thinking about TTC again.

In February I proceeded to have more counselling which was a welcome relief after the miscarriage and spiraling further into depression again. We also celebrated my mother-in-law’s 60th birthday, which was also to sadly be her last. 

In March I celebrated my very first long awaited Mother’s Day (after missing out by one day when little man made his appearance!). I also continued with my counselling and it really helped me on the way to becoming ‘me’ again. And the highlight of the month, little man’s 1st birthday! 

April saw yet more illness for little man with an ear infection, a very bad reaction to his MMR jabs, gastroenteritis, and then a chest infection & virus! It was a terrible month for him, and of course me as his Mummy seeing him ill so much. At the end of the month I started my first charity challenge of the year, Live Below The Line! 

May was a month for charity as the first week saw me continue the Live Below The Line challenge. I also then completed my first ever Race for Life! After this I also restarted on my weight loss journey after being so up & down with it. And I also became a fundraising coordinator for Saying Goodbye. 

June was a difficult month to start with as it should have been the month we welcomed our little angel. Our little man hit a milestone when he finally started walking after months of cruising about! And then we discovered I was pregnant again, just before our due date – I truly believe it was a gift sent to us from our angel. 

July was a month of firsts. Little mans first injury related trip to A&E, and we saw our little berry for the first time too! Unfortunately we had an awful end to the month when we were told that my mother in law was nearing the end of her life and she had a matter of days, or even hours, left. 

August saw another first for little man – his first haircut! I also held my fundraising event for Saying Goodbye. This month though we also lost my beloved Mother in Law, and then the week after we lost my Grandad too. And then there were their funerals. We hoped that this was our lot for this year, after also losing my Uncle at the beginning of the year – all to the horrible ‘c’ word. 

September was a fairly quiet month for us, but we had our holiday to Wales at the end of the month. 

In October I celebrated my birthday, and I also reached the halfway mark of my pregnancy. We attended my cousin’s amazing wedding which was a big up after the many downs of the year.

November saw me reach the “V-Day” for my pregnancy. But I also ended up with my annual winter cold which made me feel like death! 

And finally, December. It was quite a sombre start to the month, what with it being the 1st anniversary of losing our angel. After that significant date had passed, we started with our Christmas celebrations. We had a fairly busy Christmas period being out & about at families homes, so we’re going to have a quiet New Year. 

So, that was the year that was 2013, with all of its highs & lows. 

What have been your highs & lows of the past year?