Little man N at 2 months old

2 months old! Just where has the time gone?!


N had his first visit to baby group at one month old, though he slept the whole time whilst his brother played! He was in the sling though which explains it, he could sleep forever in there. 

He also had his first visit to the doctors! For a few days he had a white tongue, at first I thought it was just deposited milk but after trying to remove it, it wouldn’t come off. It turned out he had a case of thrush, poor baby. We got some medication and it cleared up pretty quickly, within a couple of days. 


We had our first proper smile from him around 5.5 weeks. A truly magical moment; I’m loving all these early life first moments again! 

N has now been in his cot since he was around 6 weeks old (a lot earlier than we moved J into his). He just wouldn’t settle in his Moses basket and we thought as he loves to co-sleep he may prefer the cot – he was growing out of his basket already anyway! He also loves to sleep on his front. He stays asleep much longer and is much happier. He still co-sleeps at some point nearly every night though!


He ‘celebrated’ his first Easter by being dressed up! 


As well as his first GP visit, he also had his first visit to A&E – don’t worry, it was only the out of hours doctor! He had been suffering with very runny poops for a few days – literally every nappy was just like poopy water (sorry!) and he had started to seem a bit under the weather in himself, not drinking much. We rang NHS Direct who sent us up to the hospital just to get him checked over as the emergency doctor was worried about dehydration. Everything seemed OK though and we just had to take a poop sample to the GP – typically his poop went back to normal the next day!


Another day and another visit to the GP for his vaccinations.


I think N has much more sensitive skin than his brother, as he also came down with a bad case of nappy rash around the same time as the thrush. It was absolutely red raw. Sudocrem wasn’t really doing anything so we tried Metanium. That cleared it up quite a lot but it was still lingering. In the end we got a prescription for some cream from the GP and it has pretty much done the job now, but the poor little man had to suffer with it for a while.


I mentioned briefly in his 1 month update that we had his first coo. We are getting a lot more now, and even some attempted giggles!

I’m broken again

Yep. I’m broken again. 


It’s taking me right back to pre-little man times when I had awfully long heavy periods, and it’s bringing back so many hard memories. 


I know having a miscarriage can mess with your cycles. I was bleeding/spotting pretty much every day from the miscarriage to my first AF with the exception of around 2 weeks, so for around 5 weeks. I expected that. Then AF arrived mid/end of January, and I had a 28 day cycle, which I had never had before! “Great”, I thought, getting back to ‘normal’.


Until this cycle. I have now been bleeding for 18 days straight; really heavy for the last week and a half, which is just what I was like back then. 


So I’ve been to the doctors today. It was originally for more anti-depressants, which I’ve been given, but I thought whilst I was there that I would mention about this too. The GP has given me a prescription for tablets to stop the bleeding (which is why I mentioned it, as I’ve had them before). She asked if I’ve had any previous history of heavy bleeding/long cycles, so I told her, and she was writing a lot…


I know I’m so very lucky to have been able to conceive with the help of clomid, and then naturally (though that obviously didn’t end in great circumstances), but now I just feel like a freak again.


Sigh.

Counselling – take 3

On Friday I went for another counselling session.  For some reason I was nervous again before going in; I think this was because I was seeing a different person to whom I saw last year. This time it was a female, but I had no reason to be nervous as she was lovely and made me feel at ease straight away. 


We mainly discussed the miscarriage and how I had been feeling since then, as I think it’s what triggered most of the old feelings again. I was surprised that she didn’t know the statistics – that 1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage at some point; she sounded surprised when I told her. 


She was also surprised that the GP had only given me a month’s worth of anti-depressants as they take a few weeks to start working as it is! I had to go back to the GP for a review after I had finished this course and had the counselling anyway, but she suggested that I should need them for at least another 6 months. (Not that I want to go back to her, after what she said to me when I went the first time (that I am very lucky to have a baby already, some people struggle and would do anything for a baby – yes I know, I’ve been there! She said this to me even after I’d told her that, bearing in mind I was still grieving too!). I may have to see someone else).


Obviously I don’t want to share everything we spoke about but I feel the session helped me, talking to someone I don’t know personally. I was also given some homework which I have to take back next time. We concluded that little man & I need more structure in our day, as we do the same thing from day to day (not a lot!) which makes me just go over & over things in my head. So I have a couple of sheets to fill in and write a plan of what we are going to do, and this will help me rather than me saying that I keep meaning to, but never get around to it…


We’ve already made a little progress and have started going to the park, just to get out of the house when I’m feeling a little stressed! 


(And I’m still planning his birthday party!).

Diary of a (short) 2nd pregnancy – weeks 4 to 10

I started writing this when I got my BFP, with the intent to publish it after 12 weeks when we had had our scan. Obviously we didn’t get that far, but I would like to publish it anyway. *Contains very sensitive content, and TMI at points so only read on if you wish. 


Thursday October 18 (5w 2d 3w 6d) 

Since we had J my cycles have gone pretty ‘normal’ and I started ovulating, so I kind of know where I’m at. By today though my AF was a couple of days late, going by average cycle lengths since J. We had got a bit carried away in the bedroom a couple of weeks before, it was the first time I was comfortable enough to manage to fully DTD since J, so yeah… Although by this time it had passed when I usually had EWCM and didn’t think there would be any more now (which there wasn’t), so didn’t think anything of it at the time, just that I had maybe somehow skipped OV this month. But of course, there was also a slight chance that I could be pregnant… So I decided to test. I think I was more nervous this time than with little man as I knew there was a chance, whereas with J I didn’t think there was. So there was me, sat in the toilet waiting for the control line to come up. A couple of minutes passed and no other line, but as you know it is recommended to wait 3 minutes. Slowly, the test line started appearing. My heart skipped a beat and I started shaking. Shock. Fear. Worry. Happy. So many mixed emotions. I shouted hubby and showed him. Then had to send a photo to my friend to confirm again! Yep, pregnant. I worked out my due date going by my LMP, to be around 18th June 2013. I’m going to be a Mummy of 2 under 18 months. Yikes. 

Thursday October 25 (6w 2d 4w 6d) 
I went to the doctors to get the ball rolling. I purposely made an appointment with the same GP who got my referral to the fertility clinic as I knew she would be over the moon, and I wanted to show J off and say thank you! She smiled as soon as I walked in the door, and said congratulations (x2!) and that J was gorgeous. I already knew that though of course! Then she took my details – date of last period etc., and worked out my due date to be the day before I did. But we will see when we get our scan! She took my BP, and J decided he was going to pull the velcro on the band on my arm, little monkey! She also gave my a flu jab whilst I was there as I would have to have one anyway, and J also decided to try and help with that, eek! He didn’t get near the needle though, thank goodness! I picked up the midwives phone number from reception to make an appointment for booking in, so I’ve rang and left my details and should think an appointment will be with me in the post soon. 

Friday October 26 (6w 3d 5w) 
I’ve come down with an awful sore throat, cold & cough, whether that has anything to do with my flu jab, I don’t know. But I can barely take anything, can I?! Hope it disappears soon as I have a little monkey to look after as well as contend with early pregnancy and this! But I’m super mummy (sometimes), I’m sure I’ll cope! 

Tuesday October 30 (7w 5w 4d) 

Finally after ringing and ringing and leaving a message, them ringing me but I was busy so they left a message, and me ringing and ringing back, I got hold of someone to make my booking appointment! It’s for 2 weeks today when I should be 9 weeks. Finally, something to count down to! 

Friday November 2 (7w 3d 6w) 
Had my first odd pregnancy dream today, which I’ll be filling you in on all of them again! In our bedroom we have a cabinet diagonally opposite our bed – well I dreamed that J was on our bed, had climbed down from the bed and was trying to climb up the cabinet. He got nearly to the top but fell backwards, but he managed to land on the bed! And then he climbed down from the bed, and crawled from the foot of the bed around the side, and climbed up on to the bed to see his Mummy, aww! He was his current age in the dream (7.5 months) and he’s not crawling yet, though I was expecting to wake up and for him to be doing it!  

Sunday November 11 (8w 5d 7w 2d)

Was the first worried moment of this pregnancy yesterday, I went to the loo and when I wiped there was pink tinged blood on the tissue. Cue panic and thoughts of the worst happening. After this I’m sure I felt cramps but they weren’t strong so I must have just imagined it. I’ve had nothing since so hopefully all is OK and it was just a bit of old blood. I had bleeding in my last pregnancy so will mention this to the midwife on Tuesday at my booking appointment. These babies like to test us before they even arrive, don’t they?! 

Tuesday November 13 (9w 7w 4d) 

So I had my booking appointment today. Went through the usual stuff – medical history, bloods, wee sample etc. Told them about my PND and anxiety which they wrote down in there. I had my height & weight done which worked my BMI out at 34, which is 4 more than when I went for booking in with J! Oh dear. Ashamed of myself. It also means I have to have another GTT (I hated the last one), but it’s all for the safety of me & baby so I obviously can’t complain. Got my lovely new green folder! And another Bounty pack. My next (15 week) appointment with the midwives is a few days after Christmas. I will be 15 weeks, 6 weeks today, but guess what – that’s Christmas Day, so they said “No, can’t do it that day”, which made me giggle! Now we’ve just got to wait for a scan date, and then we can tell everyone and you can finally all read this!

Friday November 16 (8w)

So after the weekend spotting, I have been bleeding on & off since Wednesday night. I rang the GP yesterday morning and he told me to go to A&E for a possible examination and a scan. It wasn’t very busy when we arrived (only one other person there) but we ended up waiting 2.5 hours to be seen. Not good with a grumpy tired baby! Anyway, the doctor said as I had only been spotting really and had no pain or clots, then he would get me booked in at the EPU for an early scan. So I went for that this afternoon. I was so nervous in case there was no heartbeat. I’d drank my 2 pints of water an hour before and I was absolutely desperate for the loo, I never remember it being that bad before! I felt like my bladder was going to explode! I had to go and let some out and as I did I heard my name being called, and thought oops! Anyway, I was seen by someone who took my history, what had been happening etc., and then I had to wait for my scan, by which time I was again bursting for the loo. Finally got called for the scan, it was a trainee who carried it out but there was someone else in attendance. As soon as I laid down on the bed I felt like I was going to wee myself any minute, so was dreading her using the doppler! So she started, she found magic little bean practically straight away, I was looking for a heartbeat. It was there! Such relief. Then she measured bean, I’m actually measuring at 8 weeks rather than the 9w 3d we thought originally. I had guessed I might be a week or so behind though as I was thinking about my dates the other day and I know exactly when we conceived and it didn’t work out right, as I OV late in my cycle as I don’t have a ‘normal’ 28 day cycle. Anyway, all was OK and it has been classed as another ‘threatened miscarriage’ like it was with J. Our 12 week scan is 4 weeks today when we get to see our little magic bean again. 

Sunday November 25 (9w 2d)

I meant to write last week as I had another couple of pregnancy dreams, but I just kept forgetting and now I can’t remember what the first one was. The second one I remember vaguely though, as I dreamed we had another boy! 

Sunday December 2 (10w 2d)

We had another A&E visit last night. I started bleeding bright red on Friday night, along with clots this time too. It started off just when I wiped, and then it started being on a pad too. The clots to start with were the size of a pen nib and then some got bigger, probably 1/2 cm long. I thought it may die off like before but they continued yesterday too, so thought we would go up there. We were waiting an hour and a bit before we saw the nurse, and she said she would try and get me in with the GP rather than the A&E side as it would be quicker. So we waited another half an hour or so and then we saw him. Basically told him what had been going on and the spotting since last time, and he booked me in at the EPU again tomorrow at 1.15 pm for a scan. So we will see what happens then. I still haven’t had any pain really, just a bit of what feels like ‘hunger’ belly ache which makes sense as I don’t really feel like eating at the minute. I’m still dreading it though in case of the worst, I’m not even going to look at the screen until they tell me whether there’s a heartbeat or not… If everything is OK then I’m guessing it’s cervical erosion and I’m going to ask about a cervical stitch, as surely I shouldn’t be getting clots if I’m not miscarrying?…

Monday December 3 (10w 3d)

I woke up at 2 am with a huge gush of blood so I immediately jumped out and rushed to the loo. Luckily I had a pad on what with bleeding over the weekend. The pad had pretty much soaked through, and then when I had been to the loo I saw a bigger clot in there. I was really panicking by now as I just knew what was probably happening. I tried to stay calm though and I went back to bed as I had to get hubby up for work at 4 am, but I didn’t really need my alarm as I woke up with another gush of blood. This time when I went to the loo I felt a huge clot and the tears really started as I knew for sure this time. I must have have been sat on the loo for the next two hours just sobbing my heart out, losing blood and clots. Around 6 am it had calmed down a bit and I went to lie down in bed but had to keep going backwards & forwards to the loo for the next half an hour or so. Eventually I managed to drop off in bed until J woke up about 8 am. MiL was coming anyway to look after him while we went to the hospital (hubby was able to leave work early). As soon as she arrived I just burst into tears and she gave me a huge hug. Skip to the hospital and the usual of a full bladder, seeing the nurse first (there was a student nurse in there too who took all my details), and then we were called for the scan. Only this time I knew it was going to show nothing so I did as I said and didn’t look at the screen, and just held hubby’s hand SO tightly. The sonographer said “Sorry, I’m not seeing anything”, to which I replied “I knew you were going to say that”, and then burst into tears. She showed us to the quiet room and I just sat there sobbing, and my poor hubby, he just held me and cried too. There it is, confirmation this pregnancy is over. Heartbroken. 


R.I.P. our special little angel bean xx


*(Weeks along edited after early scan)

My first 2 weeks as a Mummy

Well I see little man took over my blog for a day! What a good vocabulary he has already! Takes after his Mummy you see!


So, my first two weeks as a Mummy… It’s been amazing just having our little boy here. Apart from some random tears I’ve had, when I was in hospital, and then have had a few since I got home, just due to tiredness and soreness I think, and thinking I couldn’t cope. I’m still sore, some days it’s worse than others, and so is the bleeding. It had slowed right down but has gotten worse again the last few days. A sign to take it easy I know, but I’ve hardly been doing anything really… Walking is still as difficult as it was when I was pregnant, if not more! If I walk too fast I feel even more sore, and at points I have to walk like John Wayne which I’ll admit is rather funny! I only do that at home or other people’s houses though, not in public! The midwife checked my stitches last Thursday and said there were still some there but that they were healing well. In fact since then, when she checked me, is when it’s gotten worse again. Anyway, she weighed little man and checked me, and then decided we were both okay to be discharged, so we’re now under the ‘care’ of the health visitor and the GP. I also ran out of iron tablets last week so went to the doctors, who gave me another 6 weeks worth! She also had that look and surprise when she saw my hb level, which I found out was in fact 8. When I’ve finished these I have to go back for a full blood count. As for baby weight, in my first week I lost 9.6lbs, and then another 4lbs last week, so 13.6lbs so far since giving birth. Just another 15lbs to go until pre pregnancy weight… And then after that, to pick up where I left off, another 21-28lbs to get to my final goal weight. 


Since we’ve been home, we’ve had visitors, been visiting, and been out & about in general, making the most of hubby’s paternity leave as a family, before he went back to work today. My Mum took little man out for the morning to show off, with her MiL, they took him shopping but he decided he was going to have a screaming session around the shop! He soon quietened down when he was fed though. So I’ve only had him on my own for some of the afternoon as hubby finished work early. Tomorrow will be my first full day alone with him while hubby is at work, and we’re having more visitors later in the week. 


The health visitor came today as well. I was nervous as I’ve heard horror stories about HV’s, but she was quite nice! This time anyway… She just went through the routine stuff with us, filled in forms, and did little man’s hearing test. Both ears came back as normal. She is coming back to weigh him on the 16th when he will be 4 weeks old, can’t wait to see how much he weighs then! We also have his 8 week check and vaccinations on the 16th May at the doctors, I told hubby he is coming to that as I’ll be upset watching little man, just like I was when he had his heel prick test! I also have to go for my post natal check on 11th June. 


Well, I think that’s all I had in my mind to update you on, on my first 2 weeks! I’ve probably forgotten something though as I’m quite tired tonight, my brain isn’t functioning properly and I can hardly keep my eyes open!


Welcome to motherhood!