This month…

…I should have reached full term, in one weeks time.


…I should have reached my due date, in four weeks time. 


…I should (possibly) have been experiencing labour.


…I should have been experiencing the amazing challenge of giving birth again.


…I should have been giving breastfeeding another shot, and been determined to succeed.


…I should have been bringing my new baby home.


…I should have been introducing little man to his new sibling.


Instead I will cry. Cry many tears for my little angel, and celebrate their short life they had inside me.


…I should have been…


…But it wasn’t meant to be.


…Maybe soon.


…Maybe. 

When you feel depressed

When you’re feeling depressed…


…do you feel paranoid, like everything everybody says to is out to hurt you, even though they’re only joking (you hope)?


When you’re feeling depressed…



…do you just wish the world would stop turning, go away, leave you alone, you just want to be on your own?


When you’re feeling depressed…



…do you just want to go to sleep, hide away, and wake up when it’s all over, when you feel better? 


When you’re feeling depressed…



…do you start to hate everyone around you, snap at even the tiniest little thing, and then realise it’s not their fault?


When you’re feeling depressed…



…do you think everybody hates you? Your husband hates you; your children hate you; just everybody.


When you’re feeling depressed…



…do you just cry at the tiniest little thing, even though it’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things?


When you’re feeling depressed…



…you just want to be better. 


I do. 

Nobody Said It Was Easy

Nobody said it was easy…


…when you can’t conceive and are diagnosed with some form of infertility.


Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 


Nobody said it was easy…


…having to go through fertility treatment.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when you get that long awaited BFP and bleed and worry throughout.


Nobody said it was easy…


…to go through labour and birth.


Nobody said it was easy…


…to deal with post natal depression, and hating yourself and everyone around you.


Nobody said it was easy…


…falling pregnant whilst fighting post natal depression.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when you bleed again in this pregnancy.


Nobody said it was easy…


…when that bleeding comes to a loss.


Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing that loss on a screen.

Nobody said it was easy…


…seeing what seems like everyone around you falling pregnant and having babies. 

Nobody said it was easy…


…hearing of a family member’s impending arrival whilst still grieving from your loss.


Nobody said it was easy…


I wish it was, just for once.

Counselling – take 4

As I blogged about previously, the new counsellor I saw had given me some homework. Last time we decided that I needed to get out more, basically, to take my mind off grieving all of the time (obviously I can still grieve, but it was consuming me) so that’s what I’ve been doing.


I also had my diary sheet to fill in for my homework (just like being back at school!). On this I had to write what I did, how I felt (and the % of that feeling), and rate the following on a scale of 1-10 – achievement, closeness (to the person the activity was with), and enjoyment. I completed this and she was amazed at how well I had filled it in, so much so that she is making a copy to show to others, of how it should be filled in, as it’s the best she’s ever seen! *Smug moment* This was mainly to see what activities made me feel ‘better’, and to focus on these, and how they made my day pan out. I did see patterns myself. 


I also filled in the depression questionnaire again (for the sixth time now, I think!), and there was a lot of improvement in my responses. On reflection, I have been feeling happier recently. Obviously I still have down days, it’s all part of the grieving process and is to be expected. 


She was pleased with my progress and has now discharged me, but said if I ever feel like I’m not well again, then to go back. I still have my AD’s which I have to go back for a review for when I’ve finished this course, but the counsellor again said I should get at least another couple of month’s worth as 6 months is the minimum recommended time to take them for to avoid relapse.


All in all I just want to say, counselling and AD’s have really helped me to get back to feeling like a part of me again,and they are truly wonderful things. If you need the help, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, even though there is such a stigma and taboo attached to it. 


You are strong.


You may just need that little more help. 

Counselling – take 3

On Friday I went for another counselling session.  For some reason I was nervous again before going in; I think this was because I was seeing a different person to whom I saw last year. This time it was a female, but I had no reason to be nervous as she was lovely and made me feel at ease straight away. 


We mainly discussed the miscarriage and how I had been feeling since then, as I think it’s what triggered most of the old feelings again. I was surprised that she didn’t know the statistics – that 1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage at some point; she sounded surprised when I told her. 


She was also surprised that the GP had only given me a month’s worth of anti-depressants as they take a few weeks to start working as it is! I had to go back to the GP for a review after I had finished this course and had the counselling anyway, but she suggested that I should need them for at least another 6 months. (Not that I want to go back to her, after what she said to me when I went the first time (that I am very lucky to have a baby already, some people struggle and would do anything for a baby – yes I know, I’ve been there! She said this to me even after I’d told her that, bearing in mind I was still grieving too!). I may have to see someone else).


Obviously I don’t want to share everything we spoke about but I feel the session helped me, talking to someone I don’t know personally. I was also given some homework which I have to take back next time. We concluded that little man & I need more structure in our day, as we do the same thing from day to day (not a lot!) which makes me just go over & over things in my head. So I have a couple of sheets to fill in and write a plan of what we are going to do, and this will help me rather than me saying that I keep meaning to, but never get around to it…


We’ve already made a little progress and have started going to the park, just to get out of the house when I’m feeling a little stressed! 


(And I’m still planning his birthday party!).