So we went for our next appointment on Tuesday, to find out the results of my HSG and basically see what step to take next.
Well what a waste of time that was! We were in there all of 3 minutes, after a 45 minute wait anyway as they were running late. And yet again it was a different doctor we saw – 3 visits so far, 3 different doctors. Just wondering if we’ll ever actually meet the man himself! Anyway, the doctor told us that my HSG was fine, tubes are clear – that’s a good thing to come out of the visit I suppose, no more worrying about that. But the consultant (Mr Odukoya) wasn’t actually there today, so she couldn’t tell us what was going to happen next. WHAT?! You have to be kidding me, right? After the palava we’ve had getting this far! (Not that she was to know, but that’s what I was thinking) I don’t understand why they can’t just write in the notes what to do next, so the person seeing you knows? I thought that’s what they did, obviously thought wrong…
Not to worry though, only got to wait another week! Sigh. Luckily she rang through and managed to make us an appointment for next Tuesday instead (after asking if that was OK, to which I replied along the lines of “Well it will have to be, wont’t it?!”). Hopefully 4th time lucky, hey?!
I know, not the usual thing that is good to hear, but after being obese for a few years it IS a good thing!
Today I finally hit the overweight BMI category! Right on the line! Just where I need to be for treatment with the FC, right before our appointment on Tuesday! Now just need to keep it there! Well, preferably get further below, and not go above again!
I am SO SO happy, it’s took a while to get here! Especially since my plateau started back in January, when I was so close to being here already (0.2 lbs off), I’ve been stuck between here and the 4/5 lbs I gained after starting up my exercise again. But now I’ve started running training it’s dropping off!
Short but sweet today but just had to share! And is this my first ever happy post?! It’s just such a big deal for me!
Recently there are SO many people announcing their pregnancies – in my opinion I think people need to find something else to do around Christmas time, funny how they’re all due in September! ;P – a few of these though, have thought it ‘best’ to tell me before announcing it ‘publicly’ (i.e. on facebook).
I suppose it’s so that it’s not so much of a shock and disappointment to me when they do it, and I am so grateful that my friends care about me enough to do this, but at the same time I don’t want them to feel like it’s their duty to do it, when I should be happy for them anyway (which I am) and not be so disappointed.
I think I’ve improved lately in controlling my feelings with announcements and such, although I’m still having my up & down days.
I just want to be able to tell MY friends that I’M pregnant, that’s all I want.
This is a message to my friends. To the ones that have been there for me since the beginning of this long, long journey. Those who I have met along the way.
Thank you for being there for me. Through the ups & the downs, listening to my moaning, my feeling sorry for myself, everything. And understanding.
To those struggling, it’s been good to know I’m not alone, and although it’s horrible what we are going through, I’m glad I have people who understand and can empathise. Like BT says, it’s good to talk. To someone who knows exactly how I am feeling, and doesn’t think I am horrible or strange when I come out with things that anyone else would think was irrational! Infertility does strange things to your mind and thought processes, hey?! To you all, I just know we will get there eventually, however long the road, we have to, for each other. Keep pushing. Keep strong. It’s all we can do.
To those who have gotten their BFP’s, and had babies, along the way. I hope you know that I am truly happy for you, it’s just hard sometimes. Thanks to those who have understood when I haven’t spoken to you much about your pregnancies, your babies, or looked at your pictures. It’s been incredibly hard for me, but I’m getting there, I’m managing to push my sadness aside and be happy for you, have started talking about these things and looking. And to those (very, very few, I can probably only think of one, that’s that I know of anyway) who haven’t always been so understanding, well, it’s a shame, that’s all I can say.
To those who have finished having children, or have no interest in having children, thanks for taking the time out to talk to me about it, even though you probably think I am silly and self absorbed about it at times!
It’s lovely to know that so many people care about me.
Here a couple of pics to show the support I have had lately when I was feeling the lowest of the low:
My lovely message from Rebekah and others who agreed, which had me in tears (happy ones).
My gorgeous flowers from Bekah, which also had me in tears! (Also happy ones).
I think last night I had a breakdown that was a long time coming. I think I’ve been strong and holding everything in for too long. I’ve tried to do the being happy thing, smiling through it, but deep down, I am slowly dying inside, and hurting so bad.
What set me off was the amount of people announcing pregnancies. I may have been able to cope, if it wasn’t for the alcohol consumption, or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows. (I get really emotional when I drink wine, and I’m what you would call a ‘lightweight’ as well). Yesterday was also a month until our FC visit when we found out my HSG results and basically where we go from there, which could shape the rest of our lives.
All this news hit me really hard. The final one just totally broke me, I felt like my world had come crashing down around me. I literally downed a glass of wine, no sipping here. I then just had to go and have a damn good cry. I just couldn’t stop. Paul came to comfort me, me crying that I couldn’t cope anymore, that I just couldn’t do it, and then he said the words you really don’t want to hear, especially form your husband! – “We can always adopt”… I mean, I’m in a such a state, and you come out with that?! Not that it will probably get to that point that we have to do that, I think he just didn’t know what to say to comfort me, as I was in the worst state I have ever been in.
Needless to say, I told him to just leave me alone and I cried some more. And more. And then I did something really stupid, which I have never even thought about before. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself sick. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel better. I kept trying and trying, about five times, but I just couldn’t. My throat was killing then, my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I then went back and cried some more. I eventually went downstairs and just held onto my husband, without him here, I don’t know what I would have done.