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Ever since the news broke of Caroline Flack’s suicide yesterday, I’ve been feeling sombre, and more emotional than I have been the last few days.Only more than the last few days because – I started the week off emotionally exhausted after feeling really low and persistently crying. And then it was like a switch flipped and I was feeling marginally better again.

That’s the thing with mental health issues – sometimes you can’t see when that switch will go, other times it’s a slow burn.

But the sombre feeling has come from me feeling in a similar place last year – I’ve spoken about this on my Facebook page in the last few months – but I’ve felt at that point of wanting to disappear forever.

Mental health and dark thoughts

I remember driving home from school one day and considering driving into the ditch because then it would all be over and I wouldn’t have to face it anymore. Even writing that down makes me feel sad, and scares me that I’ve felt that desperate.

Luckily at the time I had a great – small – support network who encouraged me to see my GP, and I came out the other side. I only shared these thoughts with a few people, because I was ashamed. And scared of what they would think. That’s the thing with depression. It’s your own personal demon, who wants you to suffer.

But some people don’t come out the other side. For some people, they feel it is their only way out. I’ve lost a family member to suicide. It hurts. The memory fades slightly, because you don’t want to think of someone in that mental pain.

But then you hear of another person’s suicide, and it brings it all back to the surface.

I just wish it wasn’t still such a stigma to talk about; so much work has been done on mental health in the last few years, but yet it doesn’t seem enough.

All it can take is that first step to reach out.

Reach out, find your reason. Even if it’s just one reason. Your reason to be alive.

And remember, it’s okay not to be okay.