I never imagined I would be in this situation ever again. Being jealous of pregnancies. 

Miscarriage, now I unfortunately know first hand, is one of those situations, like infertility, where you just cannot control your feelings, and really don’t know how it feels, until it happens to you. Before mine happened, when a friend or a lady on the forum had a miscarriage, I would feel sad for them, and all I could say was ‘I’m sorry’, but I didn’t really know how they felt. But now I do. It’s heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, devastating, soul destroying. Some may say, “it wasn’t even a baby”, many doctors refer to it as cells; but to a mummy-to-be, as soon as you see that positive line, it is a baby in your heart and you feel that love straight away. It is an actual life, lost. 

For me, it’s also brought back those old feelings of jealousy, when people talk about their pregnancies, or I see a bump, I feel that pang of jealousy, and wish it was me. So desperately. It should be me. By now I should be 14 weeks pregnant, and have a little bump forming. I would  probably be feeling the baby move soon too. 

The difference is, the rational part of my brain is in gear now, and I know it is not other people’s fault, it’s not my fault, it’s normal. It’s normal to feel like this when you have lost a baby. 

I just want that feeling to go away. It is pulling me down again. I feel so sad, depressed. I’m constantly putting my brave face on. Online and offline. I just feel empty, lost. 

I just want to be me again. 

The next step

Today I took the next step in ‘getting over’ my people getting pregnant and having babies saga. I looked through somebody’s newborn album on fakebook. 

It may not seem like much to the normal observer, but to me that is a HUGE step. I never really do that, for fear of jealousy and floods of tears. I got all the way through the album. Yes, I could feel the tears bubbling to the surface, and of course I was still jealous, as it is what I have wanted for the last two years, to hold a baby in my arms. But I actually did it. The first step of many, I think I just need to keep it up now and try overcome in my own slow way. 

I also went to somebody personally and congratulated them on their pregnancy announcement (following on from my post from a couple of days ago). Only a few months late, but better late than never, hey?

Congratulations, she said

For a few months now on fakebook, I’ve been avoiding saying congratulations to people and commenting on/liking their bump/baby photos. Mainly because I’m insanely jealous of them and just couldn’t bring myself to do it as I wish it was me. But I’ve now realised how harsh this has been of me, and one of my resolutions is to rectify this. It’s not their fault I’m broken and can’t make a baby (at the minute), but it’s like I’m taking it out on them (well, not like, it is taking it out on them). 

But they deserve to be happy, and me be happy for them, as it’s messing with my head. I can’t go through the next few months like this, it’s always going to be staring me in the face and I just can’t avoid it. I would expect the same for me, so it’s only right. 

So today I took that first step and said it to somebody, and I’m feeling quite proud of myself, as it has been an underlying problem with me for the last few months that has been so hard to deal with, but I need to deal with it, for my own sanity and that of my husband. 

So, to all you mums-to-be who I haven’t said congratulations to (or the like), congratulations. (Although most of you won’t be reading this, I should probably go and say it to you personally…)