Breakdown

I think last night I had a breakdown that was a long time coming. I think I’ve been strong and holding everything in for too long. I’ve tried to do the being happy thing, smiling through it, but deep down, I am slowly dying inside, and hurting so bad. 


What set me off was the amount of people announcing pregnancies. I may have been able to cope, if it wasn’t for the alcohol consumption, or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows. (I get really emotional when I drink wine, and I’m what you would call a ‘lightweight’ as well). Yesterday was also a month until our FC visit when we found out my HSG results and basically where we go from there, which could shape the rest of our lives.


All this news hit me really hard. The final one just totally broke me, I felt like my world had come crashing down around me. I literally downed a glass of wine, no sipping here. I then just had to go and have a damn good cry. I just couldn’t stop. Paul came to comfort me, me crying that I couldn’t cope anymore, that I just couldn’t do it, and then he said the words you really don’t want to hear, especially form your husband! – “We can always adopt”… I mean, I’m in a such a state, and you come out with that?! Not that it will probably get to that point that we have to do that, I think he just didn’t know what to say to comfort me, as I was in the worst state I have ever been in.


Needless to say, I told him to just leave me alone and I cried some more. And more. And then I did something really stupid, which I have never even thought about before. I went to the bathroom and tried to make myself sick. It was horrible. I just wanted to feel better. I kept trying and trying, about five times, but I just couldn’t. My throat was killing then, my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I then went back and cried some more. I eventually went downstairs and just held onto my husband, without him here, I don’t know what I would have done.

HSG experience

(TMI alert – don’t read on if you are easily offended!)


Well it’s over! 


I was so nervous, felt sick, and dreading it beforehand, but it really wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, the strong painkillers I took an hour before my appointment probably helped! I arrived 5 minutes before my appointment, they called me pretty much on time. I was taken into a small ‘cupboard’ (OK, it was a room about as big as a cupboard) and given a bag for my belongings, and two gowns, one to put on my front and one for the back. I just used the front one as I had a long top on anyway and it covered me around the back. The nurse (1) went through my details, asked me relevant questions, and left me to get ‘changed’ while she helped set up in the x-ray room. 


When I was ready she led me into the room, the gynae doctor wasn’t there yet so I sat and waited another few minutes, the radiographer went through my details again, and her and the nurse set up some more. Another nurse (2) arrived around this time too. The gynae doctor finally arrived and went through my details yet again! 


Then I had to climb aboard the bed… ass at the end, legs wide open balanced on the edge! Not the most dignified really, but oh well, needs must! Everything was pretty much set up, the doctor got the speculum ‘up there’, I didn’t really feel it much to be honest. My right leg kept shaking and slipping off the edge, it’s really hard to keep your balance as your behind and legs are so close together right on the edge! The left one was fine though! Nurse 1 went around and held my leg in position in the end lol. Nurse 2 held my hand too, bless her, and they all kept asking if I was OK, so I felt pretty comfortable. The catheter was then put up, this was slightly uncomfortable and gave me cramps which I was expecting at some point. Then she *tried* inserting the clear liquid, it wasn’t having any of it though! So she had to change the catheter and try again. Second time lucky! This gave me slight cramps too. The radiographer then took images as the dye was going in and through my tubes, and it was over before I knew it. 


I was then able to move back and let my legs regain themselves lol! During which time they cleared up. I was given a big granny pad in case of leakage from the liquid and any spotting. I did take my own but just wanted to get home as I had period type pains. All of them said I was a really good patient which I was pleased about, cos I was expecting to be a nightmare!


They didn’t really say anything about whether my tubes were clear or not, looking back I wish I had asked, as I now have to wait until our next FC appt., but not much I can do in the meantime anyway.




Tips for anyone who has to undergo a HSG procedure:

  • Take a couple of strong painkillers about an hour before your appointment – I really think these helped with the pain, but it depends what your pain threshold is.
  • Just relax – I know it’s easier said than done with alsorts being shoved up there, but it will also help it to be less painful, and easier for the doctor so it will be over and done with quicker.
  • If they don’t tell you whether you are clear or not, ask, if it will help to put your mind at ease.
  • Take your own sanitary towel, as you will probably have some leaking and slight spotting, unless you want a big thick one to take away with you! 😉




HSG nervousness…

So tomorrow is the dreaded HSG. I am really not looking forward to it, I’m squeamish even at the thought of having blood taken! I’ve been advised to take strong painkillers about an hour before, and to take a pad, as the hospital ones are ginormous apparently!


I’m going to probably be in pain for the next 2 or 3 days, meaning lots of rest and no exercise…argh! What am I gonna do without that?! It’s the one thing that has been keeping me going and (usually – not today because of the nerves) cheers me up. (I know, who would’a thought it?!)


Also have a job interview on Friday, I hope I’m not in too much pain for that, I will have to take some painkillers I think, and just do my best. 


I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, as I’m sure I’ll be on the sofa for the rest of the day when it is over… 

The (not so) amazing shrinking Stacey

I have been on my weight loss journey for just over a year now. TTC was the reason why I decided I needed to lose weight. The other reason was because I wanted to. I needed to lose it because I knew if we ended up needing fertility treatment at any point in the future, I would need to be in a healthy BMI, or overweight at the very most. A BMI of 30. Well, I am nearly there. 


I’ve lost around 42 lbs so far, since I started my  journey at the end of January last year. I’ve had my ups & downs, sometimes I’ve felt like throwing the towel in, but then I think how much fitter I am now, and how much better I feel about myself, and not having to bury my figure under baggy clothes – I do not want to be back there again. Anyway, I’ve got rid of most of my fat clothes now, so can’t go back! (Bar my one pair of ‘fat’ jeans, which I’m using as an indicator to how much I have lost.) I can wear dresses, I have a waist. I haven’t been like that for years. Even in my wedding photos I look horrible, I look pregnant! If only! I tried to lose weight before then but obviously I wasn’t set on it enough. If I had known what I would have looked like though, I’m sure I would have kept at it!


There is one thing that really annoys me though. When people tend to moan because they have only lost 1lb! For goodness sake, this is what 1lb looks like:



Gross, I know! But look how much it is! Shocking at how many extra of these I’ve been carrying around!

I’ve discovered my inner green eyed monster during this journey too. Sometimes I’ve found it so, so difficult to drop the weight, and it’s really frustrating when I have been working my butt off (literally!), eating right, and I see nothing, yet there are people who eat like crap, lack on the exercise, and drop the lbs like nobody’s business! Well, since I’ve discovered I (most likely) have PCOS, it throws some explanation as to why I haven’t managed as easily as some others. As I have friends with the same who struggle too, and it really is frustrating when it feels like everyone around you is doing so much better, so much easier. If it turns out I actually don’t, well, then, I’ve obviously not been working as hard at it as I think I have, I guess.


I am pleased for all of my friends who have lost a huge amount of weight, but to think I’ve done this all on my own, no slimming clubs or particular food plan, those are the friends who are bringing out my green eyed monster lately! I try to hold it back, but I just can’t! Mainly because they have lost just about the same amount of weight as me, in half the amount of time I have been doing it, I think maybe I would be better off with one of those?! But then it’s not something I (personally) would be able to stick out for the rest of my life. The ‘Stacey’ plan is something I can stick with, and have managed pretty well (I think) over the last year.


(To all of you who fit into the above criteria, seriously well done! I know you’ve worked hard too. Please don’t take it personally – just releasing my frustration with myself)


I hope to reach my goal this year, I am just over half way there now (see my ticker at the bottom). I’m sure there may be a few more weight loss frustration posts from me over the next few months! Watch this space!

PCOS

I should have written this last week but only got around to it today.


So last week, after the mess about with the HSG, we went for our appointment at the FC anyway. I knew they wouldn’t be able to tell us much without having the HSG, but they could tell me something. My pelvic scan came back fine, no abnormalities. But bloods were abnormal. No OV. Which I knew anyway, so wasn’t really a shock to me. But then she said it is most likely that I have PCOS, with the results of my bloods and my medical history, but obviously they need my HSG for the full picture and to diagnose it for certain. This wasn’t too much of a shock either as I had also suspected it.


So now I am just waiting for AF to arrive (which should be any day now, I think) before I can book my HSG, and I am going to get one this time, because our next appointment is in March and I will probably only have only 1 AF between now and then! And I seriously cannot wait yet another month after that, it will be nearly 6 months as it is since I’ve been trying to get one!


Edit: I have one for next week!