25 weeks and a midwife appointment

This weekend saw me reaching 25 weeks… 15 weeks to go, eek! It really is true when people say how fast it goes…

I really haven’t much to report from the last week, except that I ‘kind of’ took Baby G on his first train journey. At the same time I also found out being pregnant, hot, and going backwards on a train don’t mix… I lost count of the number of times I felt sick… I went to visit a friend in Manchester and had a lovely time with her & her little man.

Today I had my routine 25 week midwife appointment. Did the routine urine test, this was fine; routine blood pressure check, also fine. Then we got to listen to little mans little heartbeat again, it never fails to amaze me! The midwife also measured my bump, which I’ve been worrying about the size of lately, but the fundal height measurement was 25cm which she assured me was good and baby is growing well! She also gave me information on ante-natal classes and a hospital tour, which makes it seem all the closer to little man arriving!

I don’t have to go back now until after Xmas and the New Year at 31 weeks, as I’m at the hospital for my GTT at 28 weeks and she said they should take my bloods then, and I have to go for the results of my GTT a few days after, so she said there was not much point in having two appointments in the same week.  

Infertility Etiquette

I first came across this article when I started following RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association on Facebook earlier in the year and they posted it. I remember posting it for my friends to read as I can safely say that more than one of these applied to me when I was battling infertility, mainly being told to ‘relax and it’ll happen eventually’… Now a couple of days ago somebody posted it on the forum I use, and i thought I would post it on here. I just hope I haven’t turned into any of these now I a pregnant, if I have, I am SO sorry as I know just how much it hurts. Please just tell me if I have…

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”

Don’t Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day

With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.

24 weeks

This weekend brought me to 24 weeks, ‘V Day’! Our little man is now viable, meaning if he was born early he would have a better chance of survival.  

He’s also making Mummy’s belly grow by the day! What have I to report since the last post? Well, I haven’t been very well over the weekend and just haven’t felt like doing much really. On Friday night I started off with a bit of a cough, by Saturday evening it had gotten gradually worse, and then through the early hours of Sunday morning I was waking every couple of hours in tears as my throat was agonisingly painful. Hot water & lemon juice seemed to cure that, though I still have bit of a cough. But, get rid of a sore throat and a bad cold appears! I’ve lost count of how many tissues I’ve gone through in the last couple of days it’s been that bad! Worse that I can’t really take much for it, but I would rather ‘suffer’ and protect my little man from any medication I would normally take. It’s also just typical that it would appear right after I’d booked my flu jab last Friday, for today! I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to have it because of the cold, but I went anyway and the nurse said that because I haven’t had a fever or anything that she would give me it. I’m now a little sore, but again, would rather protect my little man. 

Clumsy episode since being pregnant #8 – I caught my hand on the catch of the door, right on the corner and it hurt so much! 

I’ve also had more random dreams, these should be funny! Going to keep a log of them so when he’s older, I can tell Baby G about some of the dreams Mummy had when she was carrying him! The first very funny random one this week, involved me being on ‘Frozen Planet’ (a documentary programme here in the UK) – I was adrift a piece of ice in the sea, and was being attacked by a polar bear, but managed to fight him off! I eventually reached the shore and found a log hut, but then an Arctic fox was chasing me, so I flew upon to a really high stool in a Superman-like fashion, and found a piece of rope and was hitting the fox with it, when suddenly appeared….a house cat! A house cat?! In the middle of a frozen sea?! Anyway, I teased the cat with the rope, until it grabbed hold of it, then I was swinging it about teasing the fox with it, and decided to feed it to the fox! How mean! I made my escape whilst the fox was feeding on the cat though… My second one, I was visiting a friend (who I actually am going to visit very soon and have dreamed about visiting her before), I got to her house and she was busy ironing so plonked me down on the sofa with a box of Ferrero Rocher, her little boy was sat on the floor and said ‘I want a jar of curry sauce for tea tonight'(?!), and then some ninja grannies burst into the living room and she attacked them with her iron! I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come… (Although funnily enough, that same day she & her husband had a row, and he bought her some Forrero Rocher to apologise!)

World Prematurity Day

Today is World Prematurity Day, and I am honoured to be taking part in the blogging event along with Bloggers Unite & March Of Dimes. Today I’m going to be writing about a close friend whom some of my readers will be aware of. If you don’t already read her blog, I highly recommend doing so. 

Before I started thinking about TTC, and started using the Conception & Fertility boards of the forum I was a member of at the time, although I was aware of prematurity, I didn’t really ‘know’ anybody who had been through it. That was, until I started following Kylie from Not Even A Bag Of Sugar‘s story. Her little boy Joseph was born in 2009 at just 27 weeks gestation, when she developed pre-eclampsia, which can be life-threatening for both mother & baby. I wasn’t really familiar with her as we were married at different times and she had been TTC before me, so I hadn’t really been on the boards she used at the same time. Until, I saw somewhere else, either on my Facebook or on the forum, about a comment that was made that was quite upsetting, and I decided to go and have a look. From here I came across a couple of videos which she has posted, of little Joseph. So very emotional, but I was immediately drawn in to this gorgeous little boy’s story, and Kylie’s story. I didn’t really know anything about the traumatic birth at the time, as like I say I hadn’t been aware, so can’t really write much about that, but have since read her birth story on her blog. Every time I read it I am in tears. From then I followed from ‘afar’ you could say, on the forum, until we became friends on Facebook, and followed her story and journey from then on. It has been amazing watching Joseph grow into the beautiful little boy he is today, he has come on in leaps and bounds and is a very strong, intelligent little man, and I love hearing all about him. 

Since then, Kylie & I have become very close friends, and no matter what she has been going through, she has been there for me all through my journey and battling infertility, and I am so very thankful to her. She is a complete inspiration to me, and many others, and I would say I hope I have the honour of meeting her in person one day, but that has already been accomplished, and again next week, which I am very excited about to see her and Joseph! Nowadays, she does a lot of campaigning for charities such as Bliss and Tommy’s, and is famous in her own right after appearing in newspapers, on the radio, and even on TV! She is a very strong, amazing woman, who I admire greatly for all she does for others.

I am so thankful to the little birdy that woke her up from her nap, as without birdy, she or Joseph may not be here today. 

Consultant appointment

We had our first consultant appointment today, after being referred because of my BMI. Was quite a short appointment, and we didn’t actually see the consultant, but one of his staff. I had to do a urine sample when I got there, the results from this were fine. Then had my blood pressure taken, this was also fine. Then just went through a bit of history, like medical problems, procedures etc., obviously mentioned about the PCOS, then she asked whether we had fallen pregnant naturally or with help, I obviously mentioned the clomid then, then she wanted to know how many rounds and on how much. She mentioned about having to have a GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test, to test for gestational diabetes (GD)) because of my BMI, for which I already have an appointment for next month. After this I have to go back to the hospital on the 21st December for the result. If it is okay, then I no longer need to attend the hospital and can just carry on with normal midwife appointments. If it’s not okay, then I will be referred to the relevant department of the hospital.

She asked if we wanted to hear baby’s heartbeat, of course I said yes! I didn’t think we would be hearing it today, thought we would have to wait until our midwife appointment in just under two weeks. We got to hear it, one of the most amazing experiences of my life! I think my only word was ‘wow’! I can’t wait to hear it again.