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It’s been a while. A while since I’ve discussed mental health over here. Anything over here, in fact. Because just recently, I haven’t been great. I’ve been in a rough place, and barely opened my laptop. It’s really important to talk about this stuff though and not suffer in silence. If I can encourage even one person reading this to talk; to talk to anyone, then my purpose has been served. Here’s me, serving up a plate of anxiety with a side order of depression.
The face of anxiety
Tear soaked, droopy eyes. From fresh tears that won’t stop falling.
A defence mechanism of a hand covering my mouth. Because I don’t want to talk, but I do.
This is the face. The face of anxiety. No filter here.
It’s a vicious circle. A flare up of anxiety uproots the depression.
From the outside looking in, you don’t know me, but you think I have it all together.
I don’t.
You think that I have no worries in the world.
But I worry about everything.
Every day I cry in private. Why? Sometimes I have no idea; sometimes it’s at anything.
It affects everything. My concentration. I can’t focus on one thing for long. My eating habits. I either want to eat everything in sight, or nothing at all. Tiredness levels. I just want to stay in bed; I just want to sleep.
I want to hide away. Hide my face from the world. Hide my thoughts from myself. You may think they’re irrational, but I can’t stop them.
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– I’m a rubbish mum.
– I’m failing my children.
– I’m fat.
– Oh, and I’m also that other word – on the outside anyway. Probably on the inside too.
– Why does no-one ever ask me to spend time with them?
– Because of all of the above.
– Because I suck at life.
And on, and on, and on.
Just when you think you’re doing okay, coping well. BOOM. You crash.
Into this giant brick wall. A wall that is so hard to climb over; but you struggle, you soldier on. Until one day, the rainbow appears.
And then; then, you just have to live the best you can, as you know it will probably come again. But what you don’t know, is when.
Some days I feel so closed off and so desperate, but just like this guy, it isn’t in my blood to give up.
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Oh lovely, I hate that you’re feeling like this. I wish we were all closer so we could support you more. You’re none of those things and I know for sure that people do want to spend time with you, including me! I hope your rainbow comes back soon. I’m always here xxx
Thank you lovely, I know ❤
I admire the fact you put yourself out there like this honey. I’m so proud of you. So very proud of you. You know I too suffer and some days the downers come, and you just have no idea why sometimes. It’s frustrating and upsetting and I wish there was something that would fix it for us so we didn’t have to feel this way. But you’re right talking about it is far better than pretending we are okay.
Love you xx
Thank you. I love you too my unicorn lady ❤
I don’t know you but wanted you to know your not alone I have had three life threatening emergencies in the last 2 years all of them very different but each with the very real potential of me not making it, my anxiety is through the roof! Hence why I am replying to your blog post at 4am! Like you I am up in the night worrying, I cry in the shower, I am literally scared to live sometimes. But I have 2 small people who need me to function and get on with it cus their snack times, need for me to load up power rangers and read the bedtime story doesn’t go away and as long as I am here that’s what I shall do for them! Hopefully I can also find a way to be less scared all the time too, for me, but that might be work in progress
Thank you for taking the time to comment. So sorry that you are going through this too, it’s so life limiting sometimes isn’t it? x
Big hugs from a fellow anxiety sufferer. Anxiety sucks. But this post is so important and so brave. Raising awareness is important and you should be really proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like this xx
Thank you x
Keep going. I know how you feel. Sometimes you know the thoughts are irrational but you can’t stop them and cat stop the feelings they generate. I hope you feel brighter soon or at least find a coping mechanism.
Thank you x
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