Jealousy

I never imagined I would be in this situation ever again. Being jealous of pregnancies. 


Miscarriage, now I unfortunately know first hand, is one of those situations, like infertility, where you just cannot control your feelings, and really don’t know how it feels, until it happens to you. Before mine happened, when a friend or a lady on the forum had a miscarriage, I would feel sad for them, and all I could say was ‘I’m sorry’, but I didn’t really know how they felt. But now I do. It’s heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, devastating, soul destroying. Some may say, “it wasn’t even a baby”, many doctors refer to it as cells; but to a mummy-to-be, as soon as you see that positive line, it is a baby in your heart and you feel that love straight away. It is an actual life, lost. 


For me, it’s also brought back those old feelings of jealousy, when people talk about their pregnancies, or I see a bump, I feel that pang of jealousy, and wish it was me. So desperately. It should be me. By now I should be 14 weeks pregnant, and have a little bump forming. I would  probably be feeling the baby move soon too. 


The difference is, the rational part of my brain is in gear now, and I know it is not other people’s fault, it’s not my fault, it’s normal. It’s normal to feel like this when you have lost a baby. 


I just want that feeling to go away. It is pulling me down again. I feel so sad, depressed. I’m constantly putting my brave face on. Online and offline. I just feel empty, lost. 


I just want to be me again. 


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