What if?

Recently I’ve been thinking about a lot of “what if’s” surrounding my breastfeeding guilt. This is one of the things that has led to my PND I think. 


What if I had found a breastfeeding support group before little man’s arrival? I would probably have been armed with all the information I needed to succeed.


What if I had more skin to skin time straight after he was born? He was born onto my tummy and we had cuddles, but I was in such a daze from the gas & air, and from them struggling with my bit of retained placenta and me panicking, that before I realised, he had been taken away to be dressed. And then before I had him back, they were stitching me up and I was in a panic then, I just had to watch hubby holding him. Maybe with that extra skin to skin straight away, he would have rooted and found my boob more easily.


What if there was more support on the postnatal ward? Though this was beyond my control, but I found there wasn’t enough support for them to spend time with me helping, even the breastfeeding peers, they were only on the ward for a couple of hours a day, and there just wasn’t enough to spend quality time with everyone. 


What if I hadn’t given into formula? I expressed for the first 24 hours, but he was starving, I was exhausted, and I just gave in too easily. Would I still be breastfeeding now? 


That’s the biggest what if.


I failed. I couldn’t provide the best for my baby, and I gave in. 


Maybe next time. 

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5 thoughts on “What if?

  1. It has definitely changed a lot in hospital in the last 10 years, with Bailey because I had said on my notes from the start I wanted to BF, they really pushed the breastfeeding and did all they could to get me to feed, helping me hand-express, putting me on a dual-pump etc and didnt let me go home til he was 5 days old and they were happy he was feeding, but with Denver, they saw her feed just once, then were happy to discharge me the next day as needed my bed.. definitely NHS shortages have a lot to answer for! you haven't failed, I fed Bailey for 5 days, Elliot for 0 and Denver for 10, I thought I had cracked it but it wasn't so and I struggled from days 7-10 and mixed-fed before giving in as it was making me miserable there was a support phone line every night 6-9pm but I never rang it, I was embarrassed and I didn't want a visit from someone and my boobs being mauled like with Bailey. I don't feel I failed, I tried and it didnt work, but that is true with lots in life x

  2. Thank you Dawn. I know, I feel fine in a lot of other areas, but it's just this! (There are some other things I feel I've failed at but that's more for the counsellor right now)

  3. Huge hugs. I am going to be 100% honest here, I remember when you gave up, and I didn't say anything. Because I 100% thought you were doing the right thing. I think you have a little bit of post birth amnesia! You were absolutely knackered, you were anemic, you had nothing left. Yes, more support would have been good, more time with your baby on your chest etc, but cet. par. you did the right thing at the time. Now put it in a box and move on young lady. Love you (nialw)

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