Dread

I dread that I’m never going to be able to enjoy my baby fully. I feel like that has been taken away, and feel like there is no end in sight right now.

I dread waking up some days because I find it hard to cope when he’s having a mega grumpy day, because he won’t sleep. Though being a Mummy, coping should come naturally, but it doesn’t seem to happen with me. 


I dread that I’m never going to get over my guilty feelings and they’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.


I dread that I’m never going to want to add to our family now, as how will I be able to cope with two children when I can’t even cope with one?


I asked to be a Mummy, but I did not ask for this. 


Though, is this what’s to be expected from everyone, or am I just being hard on myself?


I’m such a strong person usually, that all of this is making me feel like I’m failing.


Fail.


Such a bad word. Especially when related to parenting.


I wish I could get out of the mindset and erase the word from my life forever. 

8 thoughts on “Dread

  1. It so hard having a baby, all magazines and adverts are filled with smiling content, happy babies and equally happy parents. This is just not a reflection of real life. I think every mum has a hard time, they come and go and some periods last longer than others. The important thing to remember is you are normal and it happens to everyone. Failing is completely wrong….learning and coping as you go is the reality. Chin up it really does get better 🙂
    I would sometimes get to the point with mine (both of them) where I thought I was at the end of my tether and couldn't do it anymore and yes I would cry..a lot…but then one little thing would change i.e sleeping longer at night, going longer between feeds, giggling etc etc and those little things help you through xxx

  2. It is such hard work being a mum and nothing anyone tells you before hand can prepare you for what it is like. I'm yet to meet a mother that doesn't feel guilty or like they are failing and everyone else is doing it better than they are, I think it goes with the job. you are defintely not alone in your thinking. I hope things get better for you soon x

  3. I long for the moment my pregnancy test will be positive but at the same time I am scared… So many times I think again and again… is parenting for me? How would it be to become a mum? It would mean I have to abandon my dreams, my career, my hobbies even (especially my travelling abroad so often). If my biological clock did not tick like crazy (I am 32 now even though I hide my age) I would probably postpone TTCing for a couple of years or even five. How right Lorraine is (see comment)! The telly shows happy, young, beautiful mothers, happy young dads, beautiful babies. Everyone tells me that motherhood is lovely. Everyone ask 'are you pregnant yet'? In reality I now know that I may never become pregnant. Maybe all happens for a reason after all.

    And even if I become a mother, I will be an old-looking, plus-size, tired mother without personal time to chase any of my dreams, not the young and fresh mother of the telly with the 'toothpaste smile'.

    Is it worth it? (we have to make sacrifices everyone says)

  4. Living with dread is bloody horrible, and I had it in buckets.

    But a lot of what you are feeling is normal life as a grown up, I'm afraid. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, its not all walks in the park with a pram, or snuggling on the sofa with a gooey baby.

    This is a bit of a secret, but i am not a huge fan of babies. I love kids, and I find Joseph, as frustrating as toddler life can be, much easier now, and the dread is easing, because his personality is getting bigger, and we're separating a bit, and I have some of my own life again, he doesn't feel so totally dependent on me.

    Keep talking and blogging, and feeling the feelings, it will all get easier.

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